GNORMAN'S INFINITE ROAD-TRIP

Well! To start off this post, I will tell you how my dear, dear friend (said with dripping sarcasm) Andrea express-mailed me a gift - or rather an assignment - actually, I'm going to go with curse- A travel gnome project that came along with his own little handwritten travel diary and slutty blond plastic girlfriend he acquired along the way somewhere.

Anyway, Andrea had heard I was traveling to Denver for Thanksgiving to see my brother Kameron and his girlfreind Kimberly who just moved there and my Dad and stepmom Vicky who have lived there for years. I was to take a few pictures, write a story in Gnorman the Gnome’s little diary and send it on to someone else who would pass this gnome and his girlfriend around the country. Simple enough, right? Well. Here it is almost May and I’m still totin that litte f$#!er and his girlfriend around. Their mere presence in the ziplock bag I have stuffed in my suitcase is a constant reminder of my relentless procrastination and the pain in my ass of this innocent project that looms over me like the black cloud of an overdue school book report on Moby Dick. HOWEVER, the afore mentioned little pain in the ass HAS been all over this country (and Canada!), he just hasn’t seen much but the inside of my suitcase and the occasional hotel room when I unzip the pocket where they reside. And so, that being said, I will commence to tell you about Gnorman's infinite ROAD TRIP!

The first day in Denver, we decided to get in the car and drive. At our first stop, we found ourselves at the top of Lookout Mountain in Golden, CO at Buffalo Bill's grave.....where I promptly dropped the girlfriend (the plastic one, not my brother's girlfriend) over the gate surrounding the grave. This was totally not my fault since she always has those stupid arms in the same position and won't even try to help me help her hang on to anything. What a high-maintenance broad - she's just so plastic, ya know?

Well, don't worry - we saved her. Actually, the little Mexican man who spoke no English with a long trash picker-upper in his hand saved her. I can't imagine what this man must have thought about 3 adults (still completely sober at this point) pleading for him to save this tiny plastic doll's life with his trash device while we took pictures and laughed hysterically. Ay carumba ju Americans es muy loco!

After a bit of sight seeing,
Making a few new friends (Although based on the evidence in the field, I think they would probably rather shit on us than be our "friends")....

Role-playing (I always wondered what it would be like to be a short old lady with a big ass shotgun - well I'll tell ya - it feels good. Damn good!)...

(defacing a monument - oops)...



I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the fresh mountain air, and when I opened my eyes and looked out into the distance, to what should my wondering eyes appear? Mecca. A grand oasis. The promise land. The COORS LIGHT BREWERY.

Hot damn! We jumped in the car and high-tailed it to catch the next tour.
Now for those of you who may not know, Coors Light has been a staple in my life for quite some time. Who am I kidding - like who didn't know that already? hahaha


As you come into the giant waiting room, you are assigned a tour group by the beer labels you are given as you walk in....we were the "Keystone Light" group. We didn't even know they still made that beer - much less at MY brewery! Well that got us talking about Keystone and the "bitter-beer face" commercials...and so we began auditioning our own bitter beer faces for each other, people on other tours, the tour guides...needless to say, no one thought they were quite as funny as we did, and certainly no one laughed and hee-hawed about it for the entire tour like we did either.



As we started the tour - we learned how many types of beer the Coors Brewery distributes - and some of my other favorites were on that list - including Blue Moon! I love you Coors Brewery!!!
We saw how the beer was made, step by step, learned how it was bottled, how it was shipped, how much of it was shipped- an overwhelming amount of information to cover for three people (and a gnome with a plastic girlfriend with dumb arms) who would have gladly traded all of that info to hurry up and get to the free taste testing! haha


Finally! Dreams do come true!! This is promised to be the coldest, freshest beer ever!

Let's toast!!!! Oh! Let me share with you what else I learned....

I always thought I seemed smarter after a few beers - no wonder! Coors is the brewery of knowledge. Amazing!


Well as it turns out - little Gnorman and his girlfriend are no stranger to the sauce! They were sucking down beers like they were at a frat house basement party (which is probably where Gnorman met his little blonde gem).


We even saw some of Gnorm's family hanging on the wall (which turned him into one of those emotional drunks - I miss home and my uncle Guillermo and my goat Gillespy blah blah blah! Pull it together Gnorm - geez, you're an embarrassment man!)


This picture has absolutely no relevance to the story whatsoever except that my brother looks like a bumbling idiot and I would never pass up the opportunity to make fun of him and let all of my friends and family see it.
Well we left the Coors Brewery (before we were asked to leave - as security had to pry the taste-testing glass out of Kam's death grip as he tried to siphon the last drop of Killians (did you know they made that there? Me neither! Amazing!) from the bottom of his glass.






Ever the early risers, we were up at the crack of dawn (right!) to focus on seeing some of the beauty of Colorado...



As I'm looking through these pictures, I realize there is an extra "little friend" with Gnorm and his gal. And then it all starts coming back to me through hazy memories of the night before....After the brewery tour, we made a trek through a wretched snow storm to Kam and Kimberly's neighborhood dive bar...
Then Bert the Bee and his "lady (of the night) friend" treated our little gnome and ole dumb arms (maybe someone should give her a name - I really don't know how else to refer to her) to a night of drinking, gaming, whoring, and God knows what else.




As with many a night of drinking, Gnorm's gal got flirty, tempers flared, Bert the Bee's prostitute duck stormed off and Bert and Gnorm proceeded to get into a very chivalrous swordfight which resulted in a head injury landing Gnorm in the hospital. I have a feeling you wouldn't believe me if I didn't offer photographic evidence! Truth is stranger than fiction they say!

















Wow, I'm exhausted and we haven't even got to the actual Thanksgiving holiday yet!

THANKSGIVING DAY - We finally got to celebrating the holiday with Dad and Vicky! Dad deep fried a turkey while Vicky made lots of awesome food and we had some other guests join us for a great day of food, football, and funnies! (Although we must remember to take pictures next time gang!!)
**On a sidenote, I'm worried that Gnorm's owners must be very worried about their little guy since I have virtually held him hostage for nearly 6 months now. But in his diary, they stressed that he liked apple pie, playing cards, and drinking beer...and that, my friends, we have achieved! He even made up with Bert and invited him to continue on the infinite road trip with him and dumb arms! (I guess they're going to share her?????) So owners, if you're out there, please don't worry - he's being very well taken care of! Promise!




Signing off from a Hampton family holiday - complete with overeating, overdrinking (apparently causing mild retardation if you consult the picture of my brother below), laughing, cussing, and throwing of cards!!!!! Ahhh.....there's no place like Colorado for the holidays!



Stay tuned as Gnorman may pop up again in the next post...."Hot Ghetto Mess."
P.S. Don't be surprised if you check your mail one day and find the Gnome Project Curse in your mailbox, as I have to send it on to someone... ; )