Somewhere along the way - I lost my ball of momentum. I am just now getting around to finishing my last post of the Barbra Streisand tour and the tour has been over for nearly three weeks now. But to my defense, I was only home for 12 hours before I got the phone call to be sent back out for two weeks to fill in for someone who left the Tim McGraw & Faith Hill tour. And now, ironically enough, I have returned to the UK to do three more shows for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. So while I've been remiss in completing the blog, I haven't exactly been sitting on my arse.
So here goes...
Look kids! It's Big Ben! Again!??

And The Parliament! Wait?! Didn't we just go through this with the Chili Peppers a few months ago? Yes, we did. But that joke never gets old to me and neither do the Vacation movies with Chevy Chase so you'll have to just skim over it! haha


Picadilly Circus! I've always heard about it, and never seen it until now - although, I'm not really sure why its called a circus since there's a distinct lack of circus-like things, i.e., animals, clowns, cotton candy, animal poop smell, etc. - well, unless you take into consideration the freakish people, insane traffic with obnoxious horn-honking and dirty pigeons shitting everywhere - I guess one could refer to that as a "circus".

Royal Arab families swimming in their own wealth, living in our hotel, taking great pleasure in gloating about their endless supply of money and the garish things they spend it on (even the wives who had to wear the full Muslim burka had their black gowns all pimped out in black sequence)....





That's right kids - We must be in the one and only: LONDON, ENGLAND! Land of $9 Starbucks Coffee, $20 greasy fish & chip dishes til you puke, and the general lack of rubbish bins (I'll explain this one later!) The final countdown to the flight home. 10 days to see if I can survive the brutal exchange rate and living expense just to break even on my paycheck.
So when you spend the previous 4 and 1/2 weeks of working, traveling, and partying yourself to the edge of existence, how can you possibly go on for another 10 days? CALL IN REINFORCEMENTS!


My dear friends Alicia and Leslie finagled their way from Indiana to London to hang out with me for a few of my many days at the Royal Garden Hotel on Kensington High.
On the day the girls arrived, I unfortunately, was down to my last pair of clean underwear, so a visit to the neighborhood laundromat was mandatory. But never to worry, there is always a neighborhood pub to pass the time waiting for clothes to dry.

Enter Jerry: Owner (and head Flirt) of the Churchill Arms Pub, two blocks from the laundromat. Ole Jerr took an instant liking to Leslie and tried to charm her by "dumping" a fake glass of Guinness on her, telling jokes, and scooping up empty pints off the table with a cane. I heard from some other friends who stopped by the pub later that Jerry kept asking about Leslie for hours, even days after our visit....I think she broke his frisky little heart. (He was quite the ladie's man, so I think he'll bounce right back in the game in no time).

With a few beers under our belts and the girls being jet lagged, I told them to be careful about looking for traffic coming from the opposite direction. I showed them the funny directions painted on the street.

And then proceeded to lead us directly into the path of a double decker bus. I'll tell you what, I'm going to leave the health and safety of the group up to Leslie - she's the Mom. Alicia and I are just going to stick to what we know best....

Now that's a worthy charitable cause! A mini-delivery truck with three wheels bringing beer to thirsty lushes all over the city in 20 minutes! After hours! Even if the bar throws you out, the party never has to end! (Aha! So that's how my European colleagues are able to drink me under the table - they've been training for the drunk olympics during hours AND after hours! hmmm...)

The next day we were off to see what we could see! After walking through a couple of "circuses" and an over-crowded toy store, we suddenly realized we had neglected the 500 meter rule! Say it ain't so! So we went to a place called the Marlborough Head. It has been rumored to be haunted. Creeeeeeeeepy.

The disappearing bathroom doors make it difficult for someone with the bladder of a 4 year old (like myself) to locate them during a beer session. The only way I could find the right door was to check the faded markings on the floor. This place was like the Adams Family house!

Well, when you start adhering to the 500 meter rule, your day goes into a rapid downward spiral. Doing anything productive seems out of the question. So we PROMISED ourselves that tomorrow (on their third day of being in London) we would actually get around to some sightseeing of the main London landmarks.
And we did! We got up early, put our horse-blinders on so as not to be distracted by any pubs along the way (until later in the afternoon, of course), and hussled to do some "hyper-sight-seeing." Like Chevy Chase in Vacation...."The Grand Canyon....great, let's go!"
Look kids! Big Ben! (tipping over?? Nope - just an optical illusion.) Great let's go!

The Parliament - snap a badly aimed self-portrait - great! Let's go!



The West Minster Abby - 20pounds to get in?!?!?!? ha! Snap a pic, let's go!

The London Eye - world's largest ferris wheel....with the world's largest line to ride it - nope! Snap a pic - Let's go!

The Tower Bridge - cool - walk across it - great let's go!


Man, we are just knocking these out one after another!! We tried to go through the London tower where the queen's jewels were stored and many past kings resided, but decided it was too late in the day since they were almost closing. So instead, you guessed it - snap a pic - let's go!
On a side note, I would like to explain the lack of rubbish bins comment from earlier. It's at about this point in the day that we have each been carrying an empty soda can for about 2 hours. We have been walking around as responsible, earth-respecting, non-littering adults with these stupid cans in tow because there is no place to dispose of them -and Leslie is such a sweet, true Mom! After I griped about it for about 20 minutes, she carried Alicia's and my can for us, just like the children that we are! And after all that, I think we finally just left them on the step of a building somewhere. So I would like to now add to my previous list (posted on the trip to London with the Peppers) of things that would make me a millionaire in England. Not only air-conditioner specialist and dentist, but now trash can manufacturer! (And laundromat owner - since those seem to be just as rare! But that's a whole other story).
Anyway, on our way back across the tower bridge (to find a pub we spotted earlier) we realized the interesting juxtaposition in the London skyline. On one side of the Thames River you have a castle that's been housing people since the 10th century...


and on the other side you have some of the most futuristic looking architecture in the world. Bizarre!




On our way through a plaza, we spotted a bunch of tribute guitars - in honor of famous British musicians. I thought I was cool when I found Ozzy's guitar....but wait! Then I found LED ZEPPELIN. My favorite band of all time! ROCK ON!!!!!!




Finally, we rewarded ourselves with our sight-seeing job well done with a beer. At a pub called "Hung, Drawn, and Quartered." So you're telling me people used to hang out in the town center just to see people hang?! And be quartered?!?!? (Not sure what drawn is, but I'm guessing it's not sitting on a milk crate on a sidewalk somewhere so that some guy who stinks and speaks an unidentifiable language can sketch you into a cartoon, right?) Anyway, people think our society is messed up now, but that's some crazy violent shit they used to do back then!

This noose was hanging right over the bar...I guess to deter from rowdy pub behavior or non-tippers!?

And since the rest of our Purdue/Illinois friends couldn't make it, Alicia brought along a picture of them so that they could have a beer with us in London! (We're so weird! But funny! Man, are we funny!)

Speaking of funny, I thought this quote on the wall was hilarious.....

And you know my fascination with toilets would catch up with me eventually...check out the old-fashioned pull chain!


The next night was our 2nd of 3 shows at the new O2 arena - another wacky-architecture-alien-like building.

Both Leslie and Alicia would never admit it openly, but between you and me, they are die-hard Barbra Streisand fanatics. I mean karaoke-singing, album carrying, founding members of her fan club. Well, I have to respect such devoted enthusiasm so I just had to get them into the show somehow.
Okay, really, they just wanted to see if any famous people were there. Since I had seen Jackie Collins, Donna Karan, and Brian Adams at the Wednesday night show, we knew there would be more at the Sunday show...and we were right! We spotted Dan Akroyd, John Lithgow, Nicholas Cage, and then, when we were walking backstage during the intermission -we almost walked smack into Peirce Brosnin. Holy canoli is he a hot man!!!!!!! After we were done giggling and drooling all over ourselves, the rest of the show was a blur. And speaking of blur, that night was also our end of tour party! These are usually just an excuse to get rip-roaringly drunk on the rich ass artist's dime. That being said, usually people who don't drink much (the socially inept orchestra folk) proceed to get arse-over-tit wankered (to use some fun british slang). Which, of course, always leads to good photo-ops...



Oh snaps! Who are these crazy fools?


Awwww......poor Jerry made a sad face when I told him my fun girls had to leave the next morning to go back to Indiana.

And off they went.


Now judging by the bluriness of this picture from the night before, and by the way I felt at noon when I woke up - these girls performed nothing short of a miracle by getting up and getting to the airport at the butt crack of dawn.
All of a sudden, at 4:30 p.m., there is a knock at my hotel door. A very distraught and disheveled Alicia is standing before me. She waited at the airport all day in hopes of making it on her stand-by ticket like Leslie did, but all the flights were overbooked. So, I told her not to worry, and off we went for dinner and then to meet up with some of my guys at a Cuban restaurant for mojitos! I couldn't let Alicia escape before performing her rendition of the 50 year old lady on Saturday night live..."I can kick! I can stretch! And I'm 50!!! And I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it..."

The next day she tried to catch a flight again. A few hours later....knock knock. So I said, don't worry babe! Tomorrow will work for sure! (Doubtful, but I was trying to stay positive). And off we went to, where else, a Japanese restaurant.

The next day, another try....then: knock knock sniffle knock. Now we are starting to get into panic mode. I only have one more day left and if I have to leave the country and leave her all by herself in England with nowhere to go - I'm going to be sick to my stomach. Maybe we can just buy a one-way ticket for her......$1000.00 Ouch. I don't think so. Guess we'll have to just wait it out and hope for the best.
The next day - again - no luck. Holy crap!
London callin...(collect this time).

Poor Alicia was running out of patience and moolah...the train to and from the aiport was costing her over $60/day! Not to mention our evenings out to "calm our nerves" while trying to mastermind a back-up plan for which there was no back-up.
Finally on Thursday, the same day I leave and four days after she was supposed to have left, she made it on a plane! WWWHHHEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! Disaster averted.
Well, I know that the girls will never forget this trip - if not for the fun we had, for Alicia's brush with abandonment in a foreign country!
I will now wrap up the BABS tour blog with one final wacky something. The urinals in the men's bathroom at the end of tour party. Don't ask what I was doing in there - just laugh at the pictures with me.


Now how in the hell am I supposed to comment on that? Wow. I guess I'll just leave that to your filthy mind. haha

Anyway - thanks for tuning into another wild and wacky tour. Who would have ever thought that working for Barbra Streisand would have been that much fun. I guess our all-out race for inebriation helped ease the pain of the rain on our parade. Get it? That's one of her songs. And it's painful. And it rained on us a lot. hahahaha Funny, I tell you. A real gut-busting knee-slapper.

Well - I won't have any storytelling to do for a few weeks as I sold my camera to Darin before I left and I'm only in the UK for a blink with the Peppers. But, coming up next.......the Diva Tour round 2! Guess who? Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. Oh the stories I'll tell..........