Look Kids! It's Big Ben

Hello All! "LONDON CALLIN...." (sing in punk style like The Clash).
How are you all? I have to apologize for not staying in touch better on this leg of the tour - but I just haven't been that motivated. England is sucking my will and every last pound I have!! That is - the Queen's money - not LBS.!!!! HA - Couldn't get that damn lucky! No, quite the contrary....Then only thing I can afford here are chips (french fries) and Stella Artois' (which they call the "Wife-Beater's Beer"). Not exactly the vision of healthy eating. But what can one do when she hangs out with Irish Jonie whom we have discovered is as big a lush, if not more so, than me!!!


Anyway - We flew to London on June 26th- arrived on June 27th. I sat in the airport parking lot on a tour bus by myself for almost 6 hours waiting for the rest of my crew to get there -lovely sight-seeing there! I recommend the spot between two double deckerbuses which allows for a pristine view of "red" out one window - and "bright red" out the other.

Finally made our way to Ipswich for our first of 6 soccer stadium shows - all outdoors. Let me just cut right to the chase........Ipswich, Coventry, Reading, Sheffield, and Derby are much in the same: LAME. I did manage to see a few movies at the local cineplex "hotspot" in Ipswich: "Thank You For Smoking" - a hilarious satire on the smoking industry - must see!!!! and The Davinci Code - good movie but I suggest reading the book first -or just drinking a lot (like we did) so that when you're lost in the movie you can just go to the bathroom a bunch of times and someone can explain it all to you later.
Most of my hotel room views consisted of a large grass field, and maybe a cow. The remaining soccer matches in the World Cup weren't fun to watch because England was eliminated awhile ago and the English are bitter and therefore hate the Portugese (who beat them) and Italians and the French (the finalists)...hmmm now that I think of it- I'm not sure if the English really like anyone but themselves. haha They are a proud country, that is for sure.

Which brings us to Manchester. Three and a half days off! Good for partying - bad for the bank account. The first night I ended up staying up until 4 in the morning (do I think I'm still in college or what??).....and then woke up the next day with the cold that has made it's way to everyone on the tour. But did that stop me? No, just slowed me down. I never really made it out of the hotel except for Starbucks and food across the street. And my friends did manage to drag me to another room party down the hall where I inflicted further damage to myself. In three days I saw about two city blocks of Manchester and that was it. Oh - and I saw Piratesof the Carribbean 2. Very cool!

Now we are in London. Day off yesterday. Although still a bit sick, I forced myself to go out and sight see. Had lunch at "Prince Albert's Pub," which is kinda funny if you know what a Prince Albert is.......(go ahead, google it, you know you want to.) We then took the metro to the Westminster stop-and when we came out of the underground station: - "Look kids! It's Big Ben! And the Parliament!" (say in your best Chevy Chase voice). We crossed the Thames River, saw the big ferris wheel, saw the MI5 building (the British versionof CIA/FBI/Blah Blah Blah) - think James Bond). Oh- look over there, "It's Big Ben and the parliament behind the ferris wheel!"
Stopped at a bar for "refueling" and then continued on to Buckingham Palace where we arrived just in time to taunt the guards for the Changing of the Guard.

Talk about a shitty gig. First they line up and have to be inspected by the lead Q-tip....I saw him closely inspecting the weapons and even brushing lint off one of the other Q-tip's pants. Then, they perform their 10 yard walk and swap. Then they just have to stand there, for hours and hours, with assholes taunting and staring at them in the hot sun. Where do I sign up for this prestigious position?
"Oh look kids- through the trees over there - it's Big Ben! And the parliament!" (yes, we ran that joke into the ground and then some).
After the palace, we walked through the Wellington Arch and made an all-out sprint for the nearest pub (mostly so I could "relieve"myself from the happy hour we attended earlier). A nice dinner and off to bed since it was a school night.
Good thing, too. Earl's Court sounds much much fancier and proper than it is. What a dump this place is. It's a huge old convention center with multiple stairways (information that would have been helpful the first day when I took the wrong one and got lost in the bowels of the building for 30 minutes before I was rescued!)
One cool thing though, in one of the halls they are running a show called, "Bodies, The Exhibition." If you ever have a chance to see either of the two that are making their way around the world - DO IT. It is unbelievable. They are real human bodies that have been preserved using the process of polymer preservation (rubber cement). They are all displayed differently, i.e, some you see all of the organs inside, others have just the muscles....anyway it's crazy! And so unbelievably fascinating! Check out the link!!!
http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/bodies.html


I am now on show 4 of 4 at Earl's Court. This is the life....casually stroll into work around 2 p.m., shoot the show at 8 p.m., then sit backstage drinking free beer and dancing in the VIP tent until traffic clears enough to get back to the hotel. Sweeeeet. Last night's Don't You Know Who I Think I Am VIP (very important poser) list included Kate Moss and Juliette Lewis.
Oh! And how could I forget: The man - the master - Jimmy Page. Fortunately I didn't actually see him so I didn't have a chance to look like a drooling idiot like the last time I stumbled into him while on the Korn tour.
And another late addition: Patty Smith walked out on stage last night and did a partial number with the band...Now, I know she is a legend and has a wonderful voice - but...she scared me. She creepily walked out on stage and just when I thought she was going cast a spell or turn someone into a frog -she broke out into this (seemingly) drug-induced wailing. But it was good. I'm sure the 14 year olds loved it?? They were like, "Patty who?"

All the shows have been good, but nothing really funny or crazy to report. Our monitor engineer was fired, which isn't really a big deal since they are now on monitor engineer #12. It's quite the hot seat!

As for the "Injuries Update" - Our drum tech that replaced the one who ate shit off the back of the stage had to leave and so Chad the drummer brought out one of his friends to tech the drum kit. He made it through one whole show before blowing his knee out. (What is the freakin deal??) So the first replacement drum tech had to basically turn around and come right back to replace the replaced replacement. Also, our LED wall guy Rodriguo sprained his ankle.
As for me: I scraped a knuckle...and I have one dot of blood that stained my pants to prove it! I'm still wearing the helmet just in case though.
Well, I'm sure I have sufficiently bored you at this point (that is, if you're still reading....I'm sure I lost Andrea back at hello - her attention span can't handle these long paragraps!! ha)
Wednesday I will be back in the good ole U.S. of A where Circle K's are plentiful, McDonald's burgers are made with the over-processed greasy slabs of mystery meat I have come to expect, and I won't have whiplash from trying to figure out which side the damn cars are coming from!
I will leave you with this:

Things I have learned while visiting England:

1. London is just a much quainter version of New York....except the buildings aren't as tall and somehow it sounds like a compliment when, in the proper British accent, someone tells you to "Piss (or insert other 4-letter word here) Off!"



2. Air conditioning guys and dentists could make a killing in this country. (To borrow a phrase from my friend Chad, "I'm not sure whether to smile back at him or try and kick a field goal!") (Joe smiles back, Chad doesn't know what to do)

3. It's best for morale if everywhere you go you don't scoff at the clerk behind the counter! i.e., "A Starbucks coffee costs three pounds?!!?!?! That's 6 U.S. dollars! The minibar bill? 76 pounds?!?!?!- that's $150 U.S. dollars, Laundry cost me 25 pounds!!?!? That's $50 U.S. dollars etc.,etc." It just makes it hurt that much worse everytime you open your wallet, ya know? Just live the, "It looks fake, like monopoly money" lie, and you won't know the difference, and more importantly, the British won't think you're such a "chincey wankah!"

4. If you want to perfect your imitation of the English accent, just take a bite of scorching hot mashed potatoes and start talking....that's what it sounds like to me. Oh and the English reeeeeaaalllly like it when you try to imitate their accent - especially when you do it poorly. "What a stupid twat!" (Face of contempt demonstrated here by our British security guy Steve).

5. The "Look Left" and "Look Right" signs painted on the ground at every cross-walk can be quite useful. I mean the English are clearly admitting that they drive on the wrong damn side of the road here! On a side-note: It's best to consult these signs before stepping off the sidewalk....I have come dangerously close to meeting my demise via a double-decker bus, motorcycle,taxi, and a Vespa scooter (although I think I could have taken the scooter).
SEE YOU ALL SOON!! CHEERIO FROM THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS TOUR! (picture taken from a bus stop advertisement for the new album).