Tour! Of! Misfortune!!!! Eh?
(Enter Pat Sajack and catchy Wheel of Fortune theme music)

If you are reading this blog, then I have made it out of the Canadian wilderness alive, eh? I am writing from the inside of a tour bus as we travel down a dirt gravel road at about 30 mph in the middle of the outback wilderness of Canada somewhere in the 1300+ miles from Winnipeg to Toronto. It’s been hours and hours since I have seen any civilization besides the very occasional hunting cabin. But I’ll get to that later, eh?

Wow, it’s been awhile….I've been slacking severely on the updates.
The last leg of the tour started in August in Portland, Oregon and took us to Boise, then to Denver for a day off (after stopping on the side of the road for four hours in the middle of the night when another bus broke down - misfortune #1). Once we finally arrived, I went to my dad’s house to have an awesome dinner with him and my stepmom Vicky.
The next day, after loading in for the Denver show, around 4:30 in the afternoon, the truss which holds all four led video walls snapped at one end (big misfortune #2). Because that end of the truss and two video walls were hanging by nothing more than the cables that powered them, two riggers had to go up in the ceiling, repel down, secure the end of the truss and very carefully and strategically lower the entire truss. By the time we got the entire situation under control, the opening band was already 30 minutes late going onstage. Let’s just say working non-stop from 8 a.m. to 2 a.m. with few breaks makes for some grumpy tired crew members! But fortunately, no one was hurt!
Next up we were on our way to Phoenix for another day off, but alas – it was our bus that broke down this time (misfortune #3). 120 degrees on the side of the road in the middle of the desert.…..sweet. There was some cussing of disbelief and a fanbelt change and we were finally on our way!
As long as we're stacking up the misfortune, let me go ahead and get the injury report out of the way…

Misfortune #4.) the Head carpenter’s foot was run over by a 1000 lb. road case – not to worry after a trip to the hospital with xrays, he was up and limping around on it later the next day!

Misfortune #5.) If you have a queasy stomach, skip over this next injury. One of the stagehands not paying attention (as they do) had his foot run over by a forklift. Don’t ask me how I know this, because that’s a whole other story from another tour – but forklifts weigh somwhere between 10,000-12,000 lbs. Let’s just say the foot lost that battle: It blew out his toe nails and the tips of his toes.

Misfortune #6.) Remember how I mentioned that I was going to start wearing a helmet, because my time was coming? Well it came. I was sitting peacefully in catering with a few of my co-workers when I noticed an unidentified shiny silver object. Setting it aside, I then took a big bite of my cheeseburger (with tomatoes, onions, and mayonaise) when suddenly my chair collapsed from beneath me. I landed on top of my left foot. Now, because the chair and all my weight (plus one bite of cheeseburger with tomatoes, onions, and mayonaise) was resting atop my foot, and I needed that foot in order to get my big ass up off the floor – well, you can just imagine the predicament I was in. My pride sustained some pretty serious trauma that day (just recalling the story brings back the slight limp I had to embellish immediately following the incident). I’m strapping the helmet back on because this is the kind of stupid shit that happens only to me.

Let’s move on to canada, eh? Started on the west coast in Vancouver and are aboot (Canadian for about) to pull in to Toronto…if we make it. Traveling with us has been a cold front weather system which has brought us rain, snow, and an average temperature of 40 degrees for 7 days straight now….did I mention this leg started in early September? Did I tell you it was snowing?

Our bus driver, Louie, who looks like Tom Petty, and quite honestly, guessing at the amount of pot Mr. Petty smokes, drives like him, too, is a great driver except for his ability to drive. In the past few months we have been thrown around the bus as Louie slams on the brakes and jerks the wheel all the way into the next city. Tonight he opted to take a 40 mile long rough dirt gravel road (with two very small and narrow, weight controlled bridges)
in the middle of nowhere traveling at an average of 30 mph, so that we could cut off 100 miles on a main highway which we could travel an average of 75-80 mph. now, I was told there was to be no math, but my common sense tells me we saved about 20 minutes time on a 25 hour bus ride. Oh! And when he got nervous about this treacherous gravel road, we stopped and asked a guy driving a tractor if we were going the right way and if he thought we could make it the rest of the way. Let’s just say it’s a little hard to relax or sleep with him behind the wheels as we roll through some of the most beautiful, but dangerous, mountainous roads in the world. Thank god for beer.