On The Road Again...

2010-11-23T07:03:00.000-08:00

"There are two ways to live your life, one is though nothing is a miracle, the other is as if everything is." - Einstein

It seems that I am only inspired to write when a series of events happen that make me double over with laughter – my favorite feeling in the world. But now I’m going to try and write about my second favorite feeling in the world – being so amazed and overwhelmed that there are no words to describe the emotion. Wait, what? I'm going to write about something which there are no words for? Well...I suppose staring at an awe-inspired blank page could be intensely boring, so I will attempt the impossible – to put into words the experience of this latest adventure. But first - let me warm up with a bit of what I'm used to - the hilarity of my job on the road.

I found out earlier this year that the Black Eyed Peas "THE E.N.D. Tour"

would be heading to South America – someplace I’d never been before, and to be honest, someplace I wasn’t really sure I wanted to go. I mean, come on, have you seen that show “Locked Up Abroad” on Discovery Channel? It’s like every other episode begins “….Deep in the jungles of South America lies danger, corruption, violence, and muuuurder…” I’m pretty sure the Travel and Tourism Department for South America has their work cut out for themselves….Instead of something like “I left my heart in San Fransisco” their slogan could be “I left my wallet, jewelry, right index finger and head with one of the many drug cartels in South America.” Anyway – taking into account the name of the tour (The E.N.D.) and the fact that we were finishing the tour (the end) and my feeling of impending doom (THE END)....well, needless to say, I was a little nervous.

We sorta eased into South America with a week long run in Mexico, beginning with Monterrey. As I walked into catering for some coffee before starting the work day, I was greeted by The Mexi-mafia caterering predators. They lined the wall of the room, their eyes scanning, their wheels turning, watching, never moving an inch, or uttering a word, waiting for the instant you scooped the last piece of mystery meat from your plate or slurped the last bit of café con leche…. and then BAM! They would swoop by and wisk your dishes away to some top secret tub behind the tent and return to their position with a cool, steely expression like they had just thrown a body wearing cement shoes in the bottom of the Hudson River. Hey, when the boss man says no plate will be used twice, you listen to him, got it?
Despite the cold-blooded caterers and their alarming dress – the food was very tastey and quite spicey!
**NOTE** S.A. Travel Tip #1: Always bare in mind – what goes in, must come out….either through the front door, or the back door. I’ll revisit this subject a bit later…

Well after a long day’s work and still many hours to kill before the show – we established what will come to be known as “Hammockville” under the stage.
While gently swaying and dozing in the slight breeze smelling faintly of diesel fuel, urine, and carne asada, I noticed this sign and laughed out loud.
It kinda begs the question, if it’s a Mexican Home Depot, then who roams the parking lot looking for day labor – Americans? Somehow I found this ironic and funny.

One show down, and we’re off to Mexico City. On the way to the airport, there was a detour sign from the main freeway and so our 3 giant buses had to navigate their way through these small side streets that twisted and turned through various slums. If I weren’t so tired, I might have been more alarmed – but instead, I just closed my eyes and laid my head back (mostly to keep it from slamming into the window or the person beside me as we amazingly found every single pothole and curb in Mexico)….then CRACK!!!!!
What the hell was that??! Suddenly I’m seeing sunlight and and feeling a nice breeze. Apparently they don’t have “Maximum Height” signs in the Department of Transportation Budget as the safety hatch to our roof was nearly ripped clean off by a low-hanging power line. I say “nearly” because, as we pulled over to a public bus stop our rather large driver stepped out to survey the damage and began a conversation with a man waiting on a bench under an aluminum sheet propped up by two-by-fours, after which the man scurried up on top of the bus and finished the job, handing the safety hatch down to Senor Plump Driver. Not sure of what to do with it, he shoved it in one of the luggage bays under the bus and we were once again on our way. I hope we didn’t knock out power and cause anyone to miss the rest of their Mexican soap opera (have you by chance caught a clip of any of them? They make our soap opera actors look like Nobel Laureates!)
Later at the airport, as I’m telling our “insta-skylight” story to someone from another bus – he looks at me in disbelief and starts laughing – it happened to their bus too!! NO WAY. You can’t make this shit up.

After a quick revisit to Karisma - an awesome restaurant across the street from the hotel (where I have vague memories of doing numerous shots of Patron during the 2006 Red Hot Chili Peppers Tour) for a quick bite to eat (sans tequila this time) - I raced back to the hotel to get a couple of hours of sleep before our 12:30 A.M. *gulp* load in. I notice that in the video I say we're getting ready to start "load out" - and perhaps that's because 12:30 a.m. is the hour we should be LOADING OUT - NOT LOADING IN PEOPLE! What the F?!?!

And 20 hours later.....

And as long as I'm posting videos - have a look at this: The opening DJ David Guetta and one of his 9 foot tall super robots performing. I have a sneaking suspicion that this could be why 1.) I have substantial hearing loss and 2.) why kids of today's society would have never been able to sit through a single episode of Mr. Rogers or would never have been as impressed as I was with the special effects of Land of the Lost.

2009-01-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well, this may have been my longest hiatus from blogging yet, and I apologize. But it's not my fault!!! As you may note from the picture below, I was abducted by a runaway herd of black sheep for months and months and was forced into many wrongdoings…..(story of my life)....

Umm.....okay, not really.......I have no valid excuse for my laziness, so I must now promptly blame it on the evils (and addictive ease) of the ever-trendy Facebook...a modern day, wasteful, mind-numbing, time-sucking DEVIL!!!! Oh snap! Hang on a sec, someone just made a comment on my FB status...gotta check it.....BRB…

Okay! I’m back. So I thought a good return to this blog would be to recap my comical year of 2008 for you….I know it’s almost February 2009, but what else would you expect from me but a significantly overdue diatribe of the touring industry accompanied by a highlight reel of my ridiculous escapades.

So let’s see…After a gracious 36 hours at home for Christmas 2007, I returned to the 8th ring of hell to finish the R. Kelly tour.
Just to recap..........

Just to reiterate...

booty booty booty booty booty booty booty.....

Luckily enough, I would only have to bite the bullet for 2 more weeks of this slum circus! And so on New Year’s Eve 2008, after another electrifying, sold-out show in Miami, (um, not really) I was in the midst of pondering the past two months and what the next several months' adventure would bring once I made my break from the ghetto - when, after a 1 a.m. load-out, my crew yelled at me to “Hurry up – shower and change! – The bus drivers are going to wait on US for once!!” (we had to wait on them frequently as they refused to take us to the next city several times until they had received some sort of a paycheck or cash from R. Kelly’s production team – nice). So I zipped into my finest bus p.j.’s and followed my crew with reckless abandon! After fighting long line after long line on this notoriously crazy holiday night, we finally found someplace with very little wait, and after paying a $20 cover charge in a dark, seedy entrance hallway, we were ushered in to "Celebrate the New Year!!"…….....IN.........A....... strip club! $10 beers and boobs.....Just the way to embark on a new year of promise and 'CHANGE' ("Can I get 15 ones and a five to tip please?"). How do I get roped into this shit? Aha! The black sheep herder! That's how!

Well, we clearly got the job done in a very short time as Rob demonstrates in this charming 4 a.m. “slumber” in the front lounge (you may not notice the drool coming from his mouth, but please appreciate the festive, decorative toilet paper I added!). “Happy New Year!”

Well, at the end of the tour, as a result of my “good attitude,” (bitchiness) my "great leadership," (bitchiness), and being the only girl (bitch), I was awarded the “Crew Chief 'HBIC' (head bitch in charge) Trophy.” Those boys are so cute when they finally realize their place.

Ahhh…R. Kelley tour…..2 months of my life I will never forget (as much as I drink), and 2 months of my life I will never get back (as many therapy sessions as I complete).

Right back atcha, Kells.....It is because of who YOU are, that I am the cynical, disillusioned bitch that I am today.

With the promise of Bruce Springsteen and humane treatment just around the corner, I returned to Arizona to celebrate laughter with my dear friends,

climb a mountain with Dr. Drunk Ash Alicia,

and work towards a healthier life in 2008 (still trying to find that in 2009)
with an anonymous person who works for, but happens to be the antithesis of this company!!!

Little did I know my long, arduous journey towards the Springsteen camp would again suffer another hurdle…
A hurdle of monumental size…an insurmountable feat… an obstacle of epic proportions…a ginormous pain in the ass SOOO large, it could only be attested to……
Heartburn?
Indigestion?
Or...could it be???

The 2008 Spice Girls Reunion Tour. Are you f#@!ing kidding me?

After the company I used to work for respectfully handed me my own ass for taking another tour (Springsteen) with a competing company (long story) they conveniently begged me to ‘squeeze in’ one month of the hellish ‘Spice’ pandemonium before the promise of greener pastures in the utopia known as the Bruce Springseen camp.
So reluctantly, out of guilt, and not wanting to burn the bridge that was being held together merely by a string, I agreed. Doh!
24 semi-trucks of shit crammed into arenas that usually can only take up to 18. More video gear than I've ever seen in one place. 20 sold-out shows (in 30 days) of garishly dressed gay men, 30-something has-beens, shrill-screaming pre-teens and their rich, drunk, cougar moms (and I'm just talking about the people ON the stage - you should see the people in the audience!!).
I liken the show to this recipe…
Tear two pixie-sticks open and pour them into the right side of your cheek. Take two more pixie-sticks and pour them into the left side of your cheek. Finally, insert a giant wad of cotton candy starting at the back of your throat, filling any remaining space in your mouth until you almost feel the effects of suffocation…..Allow teeth to ache severely before vomiting. And that, my friends, is the recipe for working on/watching the Spice Girls Reunion show. I will let the pictures speak for themselves.....argh...if only I knew how to accompany them with a gagging sound byte........

Sorry these pics are only of the massive video walls during video play back, but I could not take pictures during the show as I was huddled behind this camera (notice the bags under my eyes as a direct result of this death march),

placed strategically in the middle of the screaming audience, and being constantly yelled at by a drill sergeant director to "Get the girl singing! Posh (the skinny bitch who looks like an alien), wait! No-It's Sporty (the one with the fake hair and freaky stage smile)! Fuck! Who is singing? Scary! Get Scary (the dominatrix bitch)! Jesus, it's Baby (the whiney bitch who can't sing for shit)! Ginger! Wait!! - Fuuuck!"
What can you say about Ginger....a lot. But most of it can be summed up by her solo number, "It's Raining Men," where she dry-humped 30 gay guys all over the stage in an outfit that was actually taken from a Rollerskate Barbie box at Target and shrunk down to look a bit sexier.

I will say, my favorite part of the show (mostly because I got a 5 minute break from shooting) was Victoria 'Posh' Beckham's giant solo march down the catwalk/runway....

Notice the "paparazzi" in front of the stage - which is jut some of the dancers with fake flash cameras to enhance the Hollywood hullabaloo of this fashion sensation......hmm......kinda reminds me of R. Kelly's fake security guards enhancing his need for protection from the haytas. Man, I'm really starting to think showbiz might be just one big sham......hmmmm......

And wouldn't you know it - after all the shit I went through - that her hot ass husband David Beckham was never there for even one show so I could ogle him?!?! Dirtball!
Here's a few more shots...

And at the end of tour party.......my dear friend "Tiny Dancer" couldn't have expressed it any better.....

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. (SPICE me the F#@! outta here!)

But wait!!! The end of tour bonus??? A picture, $500, and an autographed thank you note from "the girls," which I have been adamantly trying to sell on EBay ever since....anyone?
(click on photo for an enlarged picture of saran-wrapped enlarged breasts)

So NOOOOOW can I go to Bruce? Pleeeeease?!............

TO BE CONTINUED......
'2008 Part II' coming after some sleep and a few more beers......

2008-06-22T07:32:00.001-07:00

"Hot Ghetto Mess"

As I sit here in the aisle seat of the very back row of this cramped, packed airplane, trying only to imagine where we are – as my surrounding view is limited to the 3 seats in front of me and a series of zippers and potbellies of the people in line for the bathroom - a realization occurs to me.....nearly every single person's body on this entire plane has initimately rubbed my left shoulder and arm as they’ve passed by. While the line they are standing in, nearly 5 people deep at all times on this 5 hour flight, slowly creeps foward to the 2 small, stinch-filled boxes with pee-stained toilet seats, papertowel-overflowing trashcans (and yet mysteriously wet floors and sinks), I have started to count the number of times per minute I am violated (If not by their ass, then certainly by their bellies or boobs or pungent perfume) as they lean in and half-mount me to allow another person to pass in the already ridiculously narrow aisle. I mean seriously, have they no concept of any personal space? I just busted the last passerby leaning in and actually reading this blurb I am writing about him! Maybe I should type in big size 26 letters "Please kindly remove your giant ass from my arm." or "While you're back there, can you ask the flight atendant for a bottle of vodka? Actually, make it 2. One to dull my overwhelming annoyance and the other to sanitize my germ-infested left arm/shoulder/face." Anyway, in these moments of complete and utter violation, I have a sudden inspiration to write about one of the other great violators of our time: R. Kelly!

**NOTE: For clarification purposes, throughout this blog entry the afore mentioned violator may be referred to by any of his family or hood names at any time, such as: “Robert,” “R,” “Robs,” or my personal favorite, "Kells." Just wanted you to avoid the confusion I went through in trying to figure out who all of these different names belonged to.

You might be thinking, how in the world did Kim end up writing about this hot ghetto mess?? Well, let me tell you. Last November, I was originally booked on the Bruce Springsteen tour. At the very last minute, there was a crewing mix-up, and I was told I would not be joining the Springsteen tour, BUT, because it was their fault, they would pay me anyway until they could figure out what to do. So while I am sitting at home on me arse, getting a full paycheck, I was thinking, "This is too good to be true man!" Ah ah ah, never tempt fate like that. Fastforward to phone call from company owner: "Kim, I need to try and recuperate some of the money I have paid you, so I need you to replace a guy on the R. Kelly tour." So out the window flies my adamant refusal of ever doing a ghetto rap tour!!! Even though I've heard the many, many horror stories, I had to continually ask myself, "how bad can it really be?" else I might not have been able to get on the plane.

First things first, I am leaving the beautiful, balmy sunshine of Arizona in December to meet this tour in Kansas City, and upon landing, this is what I see out the airplane window....

So as you can imagine, I'm already pissed off. Then, once I arrive to the arena, I have to stand outside in this blizzard for 30 minutes waiting for someone to bring me some credentials to allow me into the building (yeah, I'm a real security risk compared to ole Robs, with his rape charges and the many other miscellaneous charges his "entourage" is facing/has faced....but we'll get to all of that later!) Finally, they allow me in. When I arrive to the video production area, I learn that they "forgot" to fire the guy I am replacing the night before. ?????? What?! So now, I have this very large gentleman (who is also a personal space invader) with foul breath leaning in to tell me with his extreme southern accent...."Hey! I'm Ricky, nice to meetcha! I heard there was this girl here to replace me...something about Springsteen mix-up or something. I'm not sure why I'm being fired...I hope I didn't make anyone mad...I wonder when she's gonna get here..." To which I responded with an overly dramatic tap on his shoulder, and by mouthing the words, "That's me." Genius. So, I essentially get to fire the guy I am replacing. Sweet. We are off to a running start already with this mess and I haven't even started working yet.

Fast forward to the first show that night. I was totally unsure of what to expect, but a really good cue might have been the mischievous smirk on my director Jody's face (he's on the right in the pic below) when he said, "It's a really good show Kimmy! Seriously, you, especially, are going to love it."

As the house lights go out, there is a nervous jitter amongst the crowd......I can't tell if it is the anticipation of seeing one of the greatest wonders to ever come out of the Chicago ghetto, or if it is because the rigorous security screening process has made the crowd edgy....airport-style metal detectors, bag search, and full pat downs included.
Suddenly the crowd erupts into mayhem as the spotlights find their mark, and the reflection of what has to be 100,000 pieces of sequence on Kells white jacket blinds the audience as he makes his entrance from the back of the arena through the audience to the stage. Below is a shot of him on our video screen, where you can see the hood part of the white sequence jacket and it's nuclear white reflection. Oh...by chance are those sequenced sunglasses, too? Why yes, yes they are. Somewhere in the world, Liberace is turning over in his grave at this gross misuse of gaudy kitsch.

Surrounded by security (real and fake officers to enhance the audience's belief of his need for protection from the "haters" - pronounced 'haytas') and several members of his entourage, he climbs the steps to a make-shift boxing ring where he refuses to enter the ring until his posse holds the ropes open for him. Already in the ring are a harem of women parading around in near nothingness and carrying signs to inform us that "The Champ Is Here." And if that were not evidence enough, the music, the crowd, and the posse are all shouting "The Champ is here, the champ is here...get your mother fuckin hands in the air!" while making C's with both hands and flailing them about (I assume that is the international sign for "Champ"). Well! The Champ must be here indeed!

At this point, I would like to tell you that the show got better...but if I said that, I would not be accurately reporting the truth. The set list included songs like, "Can I Strip For You?" where R appears to be standing in silhouette and graciously taking off his clothes for us to adore his body. Below is a picture as he removes his shirt, and the second picture when he drops his pants around his ankles. I especially like how the shadow effect allows us to only imagine what we can't see.

But not to worry, because in the next song, "My Temperature's Rising" he uses a sequenced cane (seems to be an abundance of sequence for such a big playa/gangsta ) to insinuate the size of his you know what as it "rises" from the floor to his waist.

By the time "Lonely Tongue" rolls around, where he talks about "this lonely tongue wanting to taste somethin' sweet, and I ain't talkin 'bout no candy..."

the ladies in the audience have worked themselves into a hot, horny, tizzy!!

Just when the ladies can't take it any more, he eases on up to the "roll-on" bar with his buddy and rap partner (whose name escapes me right now as I am too busy trying to remember all of Mr. Kelly's first names). The tequila/henessy/hypnotiq shots are served up by the "bartender" which is really just Colin, our bitter, grungy stage manager shined up in a tux.

After the boys have bonded over a few drinks, what would you expect to be the next logical direction for the show to go?? That's right, say it with me kids, "L-A-P-D-A-N-C-E." The song "I Fell In Love With A Stripper" can best be summed up by the last lyric in the song....."I wanna lick it, wanna stick it, if I could I'd put my whoooooole damn head in it....cuz I fell in love with a strippeeerrrrrr."

Thank you R. Kelly for that authentic ghetto gibberish. I'm just glad all of the youngsters in the audience with their parents (true story) got to hear that sexually explicit number! Families that witness lapdances together, stay together...or is it pray together stay together....I always get those two mixed up.
On a sidenote, the dancer who performed the lap number was quite talented and limber. She was so enthralling that it took me until the second to last show of the entire tour to realize that there were other dancers up on the balcony stage simulating a whole other set of lewd, lascivious acts while the lap dance was going on. Wife: "Honey, should we take the kids to see Hannah Montana or R. Kelly?" Husband: "Hmmm........Well, they're going to have to learn about bisexual strippers, blow jobs, tag-teaming women and peeing on underage girls someday, might as well get it out of the way while we have this ‘golden’ opportunity." Wife: "You're so right honey - we'll take em to see Kells! Tell ya what, we'll even get the kiddos drunk on the way - whaddya say?"

Oh, but we aren't done yet.
This is another one of my favorite parts of the show. This is where Robert gets serious for a moment. I'm all busted up over his sentimental words. Really.

He follows this sincere, touching statement with photos of people he claims that have paved the way for him, such as Martin Luther King, Snoop Dogg, Sydney Poitier, Kanye West, and one of my personal inspirations: Bob Marley.

So, let me get this straight. It's because of who people like Martin Luther King and Bob Marley were - crusaders for the equality of all human beings, pacifists, and the epitome of love and respect that you, R. Kelly, are what you are...a man who recently was accused of statuatory rape with a 13 year old girl after urinating on her, a man who travels with a harem of no less than 5 women employed to be “on call” at all times…a man who refers to himself as “the Champ,” and frequently raps about gang violence. Well, it’s good to know that Mr. King and Mr. Marley didn’t die in vain, I guess. And that someone who was so inspired by them could carry on their message so well…

Let me step off my soapbox for just a moment so that I can wrap up this train wreck! After that poignant moment in the show, he would then lapse into the sweet, slow, lullaby of “Big Booty Girls.” And this is where I must commend him for announcing that he didn’t want to leave the big women out, he wanted everyone to feel included…
“All you big booty girls, stand up and turn around for me…..cuz your big juicy booty is all I want to see….
I'm lookin for that juicy booty, all around this place, I wanna find a juicy booty that will sit upon my face! When I find that juicy booty, there'll be nothing more to seeeeeeeee........So all of you big booty giiiirrrrls....stand up and turn around for meeeeeeeee...."
So, just to let you know, my job for the majority of this show was to film the audience. I don’t know if it was really my job, per se, but I sorta made it that way because I really could only focus on the 'artist' on stage for very short periods of time. So when Kells would tell these big booty girls to stand up and turn around, they wasted no time obeying him (as any bitch would if she know what’s good for her). And the most entertaining part of the show is when I would locate these big women with their voluptuous “booties” and we would put them on the screen.

The moment they realize they are on camera, they would freak out, jump up and down, slap their ass while sticking it in the air, hug everyone around them for their “airtime” achievement….anyway, I really wish I had a picture, because the hysterics would bring tears to my eyes!
Anyway...here is one of the dancers in her final bouncing up and down "pose" for this song....

Which matches the Grammy-award winning lyrics of, "Booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty, etc." (said as fast as you can roll the word off your tongue - try it! It's kinda fun....booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty......)

Finally, the encore began with a film roll of a few other songs that "R" couldn't quite fit into the set list (and what a shame...)
The first a song about how awesome he is, I'm sure. (I never really listened to this part as I was usually relocating to a different camera position or tying my shoe, or smoking a cigarette while trying to light the stage on fire, who knows....) But the costumes for this video must be commended! If you look closely, the dancer behind Kells is wearing a black wife beater (ok, come on, no pun intended there!!) suspenders on backwards and what the hell is hanging off there heads???

The mind reels with ideas as to what these coal miner-style head lights are used for??????

Next song, we have the obligatory woman with a lollipop in her mouth.......original.

And finally, we hit paydirt! We get to see R. Kelly in his underwear - or is that a diaper?? That song was apparently about being caught by his lover's husband and how if the husband was more of a man, like Kells, then they wouldn't be in that situation. Original.

Finally, the show wraps up with a jungle scene, complete with tribal costumes for the dancers and a ridiculously huge white bearskin coat that Kells wore. I really wish I had pictures of this, but I had to shoot camera during this part. It was actually the only theatrical number that had choreography and any thought whatsoever put into it. But don't be disappointed, it was still about sex. I believe the song was called, "Whine for me," but I'm not sure.

Well after a long day of blood, sweat, tears (from the laughter), and the objectification of women....I was ready to head for the bus! But holy shit, which one of these 17 buses is mine???? I learned that the 5 crew buses were parked usually 1/4 mile from the loading dock doors while the 12 other buses for artist and "entourage" were the ones closest to the building. Sweeeeeet.

Once I finally made it to my bus, this was usually what I would see....

Our driver. He was actually one of the highlights of this whole tour. Again, his name escapes me, but that's because he always called me "Baby" or "Shuga" and I called him my "Shuga daddy." He really was one of the sweetest people on this tour! And he would always make sure there was some bus food left for me by the time I got there (which was always either fried chicken or ribs - all kidding aside!) Our driver even stopped on the way to work one day and took us all out for breakfast at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle which is a famous breakfast joint in L.A. where the serve fried chicken and waffles at the crack of dawn! It was actually really good-even at 7 a.m.!!
Another great part of the after-show bus rides was our friend, Joel - R. Kelly's barber who was apparently exiled from Rob's bus to the video bus because of some sort of tiff they had. The great thing about Joel was, he didn't do much all day but shop, talk on his cell phone and drink Hennessy. So by the time we got there, he was quite chatty and loved to tell us stories of all the women he was involved with and even better, about growing up with Kells in the ghetto. He had all the dirt! I would love to put them in this blog, but I'm afraid that I could somehow get myself or Joel in trouble for repeating. (So call me and I'll tell you over the phone..hahahaha). Anyway, needless to say, not one of the stories improved my opinion of ole Kells!!! And I'm not at all shocked by the recent trial outcome:

R. Kelly was acquitted on all 14 counts in his child pornography case today. The Chicago jury reached a not guilty decision after less than eight hours of deliberating. Kelly was facing a minimum of four years (and a maximum of 15) in prison if convicted of videotaping himself having sex with an underage girl. Prosecutors claimed she was as young as 13 at the time of the taping—she's 23 now—despite her refusal to testify in the case.
One of the prosecution's main witnesses was a friend of the alleged victim, who said she had a threesome with the pair. On the other hand, the singer's legal team argued the man on the tape doesn't have a large mole on his back and Kelly does.

Just like his song, "Money Make The World Go Round," it also buys off witnesses. That's all I have to say about that.

Anyway, it was quite the learning experience.......wait, no it wasn't. It was 2 months of my life that I'll never get back! hahahaha
And I won't dare say I'll never do another ghetto rap tour, but I'll say that I'd rather be doused in gasoline and set on fire
than have to do one again!
Based on the overwhelming sell-out crowds (right), I won't have to.

Signing off from da hood......Kizzle Dog Hamizzle

Booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty booty..............................

2008-04-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

GNORMAN'S INFINITE ROAD-TRIP

Well! To start off this post, I will tell you how my dear, dear friend (said with dripping sarcasm) Andrea express-mailed me a gift - or rather an assignment - actually, I'm going to go with curse- A travel gnome project that came along with his own little handwritten travel diary and slutty blond plastic girlfriend he acquired along the way somewhere.

Anyway, Andrea had heard I was traveling to Denver for Thanksgiving to see my brother Kameron and his girlfreind Kimberly who just moved there and my Dad and stepmom Vicky who have lived there for years. I was to take a few pictures, write a story in Gnorman the Gnome’s little diary and send it on to someone else who would pass this gnome and his girlfriend around the country. Simple enough, right? Well. Here it is almost May and I’m still totin that litte f$#!er and his girlfriend around. Their mere presence in the ziplock bag I have stuffed in my suitcase is a constant reminder of my relentless procrastination and the pain in my ass of this innocent project that looms over me like the black cloud of an overdue school book report on Moby Dick. HOWEVER, the afore mentioned little pain in the ass HAS been all over this country (and Canada!), he just hasn’t seen much but the inside of my suitcase and the occasional hotel room when I unzip the pocket where they reside. And so, that being said, I will commence to tell you about Gnorman's infinite ROAD TRIP!

The first day in Denver, we decided to get in the car and drive. At our first stop, we found ourselves at the top of Lookout Mountain in Golden, CO at Buffalo Bill's grave.....where I promptly dropped the girlfriend (the plastic one, not my brother's girlfriend) over the gate surrounding the grave. This was totally not my fault since she always has those stupid arms in the same position and won't even try to help me help her hang on to anything. What a high-maintenance broad - she's just so plastic, ya know?

Well, don't worry - we saved her. Actually, the little Mexican man who spoke no English with a long trash picker-upper in his hand saved her. I can't imagine what this man must have thought about 3 adults (still completely sober at this point) pleading for him to save this tiny plastic doll's life with his trash device while we took pictures and laughed hysterically. Ay carumba ju Americans es muy loco!

After a bit of sight seeing,
Making a few new friends (Although based on the evidence in the field, I think they would probably rather shit on us than be our "friends")....

Role-playing (I always wondered what it would be like to be a short old lady with a big ass shotgun - well I'll tell ya - it feels good. Damn good!)...

(defacing a monument - oops)...

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the fresh mountain air, and when I opened my eyes and looked out into the distance, to what should my wondering eyes appear? Mecca. A grand oasis. The promise land. The COORS LIGHT BREWERY.

Hot damn! We jumped in the car and high-tailed it to catch the next tour.
Now for those of you who may not know, Coors Light has been a staple in my life for quite some time. Who am I kidding - like who didn't know that already? hahaha

As you come into the giant waiting room, you are assigned a tour group by the beer labels you are given as you walk in....we were the "Keystone Light" group. We didn't even know they still made that beer - much less at MY brewery! Well that got us talking about Keystone and the "bitter-beer face" commercials...and so we began auditioning our own bitter beer faces for each other, people on other tours, the tour guides...needless to say, no one thought they were quite as funny as we did, and certainly no one laughed and hee-hawed about it for the entire tour like we did either.

As we started the tour - we learned how many types of beer the Coors Brewery distributes - and some of my other favorites were on that list - including Blue Moon! I love you Coors Brewery!!!
We saw how the beer was made, step by step, learned how it was bottled, how it was shipped, how much of it was shipped- an overwhelming amount of information to cover for three people (and a gnome with a plastic girlfriend with dumb arms) who would have gladly traded all of that info to hurry up and get to the free taste testing! haha

Finally! Dreams do come true!! This is promised to be the coldest, freshest beer ever!

Let's toast!!!! Oh! Let me share with you what else I learned....

I always thought I seemed smarter after a few beers - no wonder! Coors is the brewery of knowledge. Amazing!

Well as it turns out - little Gnorman and his girlfriend are no stranger to the sauce! They were sucking down beers like they were at a frat house basement party (which is probably where Gnorman met his little blonde gem).

We even saw some of Gnorm's family hanging on the wall (which turned him into one of those emotional drunks - I miss home and my uncle Guillermo and my goat Gillespy blah blah blah! Pull it together Gnorm - geez, you're an embarrassment man!)

This picture has absolutely no relevance to the story whatsoever except that my brother looks like a bumbling idiot and I would never pass up the opportunity to make fun of him and let all of my friends and family see it.
Well we left the Coors Brewery (before we were asked to leave - as security had to pry the taste-testing glass out of Kam's death grip as he tried to siphon the last drop of Killians (did you know they made that there? Me neither! Amazing!) from the bottom of his glass.

Ever the early risers, we were up at the crack of dawn (right!) to focus on seeing some of the beauty of Colorado...

As I'm looking through these pictures, I realize there is an extra "little friend" with Gnorm and his gal. And then it all starts coming back to me through hazy memories of the night before....After the brewery tour, we made a trek through a wretched snow storm to Kam and Kimberly's neighborhood dive bar...
Then Bert the Bee and his "lady (of the night) friend" treated our little gnome and ole dumb arms (maybe someone should give her a name - I really don't know how else to refer to her) to a night of drinking, gaming, whoring, and God knows what else.

As with many a night of drinking, Gnorm's gal got flirty, tempers flared, Bert the Bee's prostitute duck stormed off and Bert and Gnorm proceeded to get into a very chivalrous swordfight which resulted in a head injury landing Gnorm in the hospital. I have a feeling you wouldn't believe me if I didn't offer photographic evidence! Truth is stranger than fiction they say!

Wow, I'm exhausted and we haven't even got to the actual Thanksgiving holiday yet!

THANKSGIVING DAY - We finally got to celebrating the holiday with Dad and Vicky! Dad deep fried a turkey while Vicky made lots of awesome food and we had some other guests join us for a great day of food, football, and funnies! (Although we must remember to take pictures next time gang!!)
**On a sidenote, I'm worried that Gnorm's owners must be very worried about their little guy since I have virtually held him hostage for nearly 6 months now. But in his diary, they stressed that he liked apple pie, playing cards, and drinking beer...and that, my friends, we have achieved! He even made up with Bert and invited him to continue on the infinite road trip with him and dumb arms! (I guess they're going to share her?????) So owners, if you're out there, please don't worry - he's being very well taken care of! Promise!

Signing off from a Hampton family holiday - complete with overeating, overdrinking (apparently causing mild retardation if you consult the picture of my brother below), laughing, cussing, and throwing of cards!!!!! Ahhh.....there's no place like Colorado for the holidays!

Stay tuned as Gnorman may pop up again in the next post...."Hot Ghetto Mess."
P.S. Don't be surprised if you check your mail one day and find the Gnome Project Curse in your mailbox, as I have to send it on to someone... ; )

2008-03-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

I'M BACK!!!

Well, after much procrastination and prodding I’ve finally returned from my lengthy hiatus of blogging. Please forgive me for neglecting you for so long, but there just always seems to be so many crucial, pressing issues to deal with on days off...And so updating you, my dear friends, has taken a backseat to things like getting a pedicure, catching up on "Lost," plucking my eyebrows, and staring at the hotel room wall and furniture pondering the significance of such fine art pieces as the watercolor hanging before me (which is what I'm captivated by right now as I type this) of an onion and a clove of garlic....and this:
An innocent grandma-style knitting chair...

MADE OF SNAKE SKIN. Uhhh???? Yeah, creepy.

Okay, to be honest, I've been mostly bowling and drinking beer trying to completely shut out any memory of the few tours I have been on over the last few months. I mean, music is a huge part of my life, and as I mentioned before, while Barbra Streisand may not have been my particular flavor of tunes, there's no denying the broad has extraordinary talent, ya know? Well, anyway....you’ll see what I mean in a few…read on...

October began in New Jersey with rehearsals for the Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony tour. I was lucky enough to work with Mike and Jerry again - two of my favorite people in all of touring. Geeez Jerry, keep your tongue in your mouth - you're dropping chromosomes!

As you can see - the excitement of the Atlantic City Boardwalk was more than these two old retired guys, adorned in the required blue-blockers and hiked up britches, snoozing away on a bench in broad daylight, could handle. It took everything in me to keep from screaming "Jackpot!!!" at the top of my lungs - but I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if they had a heart attack or soiled themselves. I'm pretty sure I'll pay a high price someday for all of the making fun of people I do - but man it sure does make me laugh.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS TOUR INCLUDE....
Getting to shoot the opening playback segment for Jennifer's set. "I'll do it!" I said. "I know exactly what you're looking for! Ooh! Ooh! Jerry!! I'll do it!!" (I'm like that nerdy kid in 4th grade who wanted to do everything...me! me!! pick me!!!) So we rigged a case up on its end, and that wasn't tall enough. So we added a case on top of a case. And I (very gracefully - ha) climbed upon our trailer park invention and plopped my ass up there for at least an hour and a half before the lighting was "just right," and Jennifer's hair was "just right," and the camera angle was, "just right," and the playback was"just right," oh, get her make-up "just right," are the song tracks "just right?" and so at this point my hip cramps had gone from "just right," to the complete loss of feeling in both legs....but hey - take your time guys! Ahhh...just right!! Let's shoot it! And I did it dammit - numb legs be damned! And it turned out cool! Gotta love youtube.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKOmb135hFQ
(it's pretty crappy quality - but you'll get the idea).

A 3 day stay at a "spa" in Connecticut where I thought we should relax- not with massages or pedicures, but by playing speed quarters "college style" at a Monday Night Football game in my spacious condo that only a few people on the crew had the good fortune at "luck of the draw" to get. Ya know, I never did hear if there was a "damage fee" for all of the nicks in the coffee table....oops.

More white trash bowlin....

Being constantly reminded by management to deny the "Is Jlo pregnant!!?!" rumor.....Ummmmm.....What do YOU think??
This picture was taken at the 3rd show into the tour....hmmm...nah, she doesn't look pregnant to me!

And finally, an end of tour softball game and party in Miami. Our team captains were Marc and Jennifer and I was picked to be on Jennifer's team (lastly,of course, because I was the only girl playing - and who wants a girl on their team? Eww!)

Funny enough, we only had 6 gloves for both teams, one of which had part of the webbing torn out and so therefore, had a huge hole in it- and was given to, none other than "moi," playing in the position of "catcher" (ironic, isn't it?). After missing a couple of plays at the plate due to said glove malfunction, ole pregnant girl marched her pregnant ass on the field and said, "I need someone who can make a play at the plate!" To which I responded (under my breath with disdain), "I need a freakin millionaire pop star who can afford to buy a glove with no damn hole in it!" I never did take criticism well. So ever since then, me and Jlo have so been in a fight....and when she finds out, I'm sure she'll be crushed.
But the most exciting thing that happened on the tour - is that I got to catch for Pudge Rodriguez - the catcher for the Detroit Tigers who "dropped in" to pitch and say hello to his friend Marc Anthony. At least he was sympathetic to the hole in my glove and didn't try to trade me out! And he's wasn't pregnant and bitchy! hahaha Yeah for Pudge!

So here's one final shot of the party that night. The people in this picture are some of the video crew and members of the back-up salsa band- who were a very talented group of Latino musicians and played an awesome set with Marc Anthony's unstoppable voice for the first half of the show and then were forced to endure "mock-playing" for Jennifer's set because it was all set to tracks...Now that had to feel a bit insulting...(I will cut her some slack -she was dancing her Jlo booty ass off all over the stage to extensive choreography, all the while carrying twins - but she WASN'T pregnant!!! shhh!!!)

A small group of us decided quickly that the party was too "South Beach meets Hollywood" for us and decided we had to leave in time to make a final stop at Mango's for "just one more" mint mojito.....and man was I glad I did....it was the guys' turn to salsa dance on the bar......And I was NOT sad about that.....AT ALL...

Okay - so that's one ridiculously over-the-top, lip-syncing, shiny-shoe, annoying mainstream pop tour down...only a couple of more to go. Really though, how bad can it be?

2007-10-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

THE ANNUAL VALPARAISO POPCORN FESTIVAL!

Anyone who knows me knows I love three things: Suprising people, beer, and getting to drink that beer with my friends all over the world. So when Alicia (you may also know her as "blue water tower girl," "the SNL 'I'm 50 and I can kick' character," or the "Oh shit- i'm stranded in London for a week" girl) told me about her annual trek to her hometown in northern Indiana for the Orville Redenbacher Popcorn Festival - I knew this could be an unparalleled chance to do all three of my favorite things at once, all the while saluting the legendary father of popcorn - and in the heart of the midwest!!! All of a sudden, I felt like I was in the middle of a John Mellencamp song!!

Oh man, this is gonna be fun!!!!!!!

It's been my mission over the last few years to try and surprise my friends Beth and Pam with a visit, which usually proves to be a failure as Beth has some sort of freakish e.s.p.!

I have enlisted the help of dozens of people and concocted many an elaborate plan to try and achieve that heart-stopping, shrill-screaming, pants-wetting kind of surprise - but it usually ends with Beth saying, "I knew you were coming Kimmy!" Dammit!
So I thought I'd try again. But this time, I brought Leah with me (who lives in Phoenix, but ironically calls Valparaiso her hometown too!). As Leah and I hid in a hotel bathroom, knee to knee in the tub waiting for our big chance to jump out and scare them, we struggled to hold back our laughter at how absolutely absurd we must look. As the hotel door opened, we sucked in our breath, bit our tongues, and shook in anticipation.....only to hear, "Kimmy, I know you're in here - just come out! Let me guess, you're in the shower!"Daaaammmmmmit. Mark my words Beth Ann - I will get you someday - and you know it! HA

Anyway - the fun was underway! So far, Leah has surprised Alicia and Brad, Leah and I TRIED to surprise Beth and Pam, and the next day Leah was going to surprise her Mom (see - it's a contagious disease, this surprise thing!). After a few beers and excitable chit-chat - we decided to call it an early night as Alicia was running in the Popcorn Festival race the next morning (yes they have a race, too!) and we had a big day of popcorn action ahead of us!
As I lay in bed, dreaming of sugarplums (snoring), my mind drifted to thoughts of this amazing festival - like, what should I wear? Will their be anyone famous there? Will I be able to properly document this phenomenon so that you, the reader, can actually feel the popcorn ambience?

The next morning, after some great gas station coffee - we were off to tackle the Popcorn Festival with great vigor!

Immediately, I knew I chose the wrong outfit. Dammit. I wore a dark shirt on a hot sunny day, and I was carrying a jacket and purse around all day - what was I thinking? I wasn't, I guess. Take for example this lady:

I mean, she's like the paradigm of popcorn festivaling! She's really keeping her cool with that tube top and those shorts just top off an already patriotic outfit. Notice how the red fanny pack blends in a chameleon-like way to deter those pesky popcorn pick-pockets! She's brought along a nice-sized tote bag for those popcorm purchases and souvenirs....oh! And finally, a hat which serves dual purposes as sun protector and NASCAR fan identifier - a must-have in this area of the country! Note to self taken for next year's festival attire! Well-done ma'am!
Everywhere I looked, I felt my sad attempt at being festival-ready thrown in my face. Perhaps I could've gotten a little more into the popcorn spirit - this festival only occurs once a year for cryin out loud! The dedication of the local Valparaisans was, at the very least, awe-inspiring!

Next, we finally located Leah's mom in the huge mob of people! Finally! Someone gives us the reaction we were looking for!

Yeah Debbie!!! Maybe I'll just give up on Beth and Pam and come to surprise Debbie all the time!! Although, on second thought, I may not get the same response as her beloved daughter Leah and she might think I'm quite weird if I were to go to Valpo and jump out of a closet somewhere screaming, "Surprise Deb!" since I've only met her twice.
As they hugged in delight, I caught something out of the corner of my eye that made my heart leap! Could it be? Oh yes! A celebrity sighting! Ah crap! He's got security all over him. You know, I think it's such a load of crap how people think they're so big and famous that they have to be transported on a golf cart and get whisked away by dudes in yellow shirts, ignoring the (my) shouts for autographs from the devoted fans who made them famous in the first place. Whatever!

How about this guy!? He's the King of Rock n' Roll, made millions of dollars, and died (or did he?) and he's out strolling and swiggin beer amongst the simple people. Now there's a guy that appreciates his fans, who remembers what it was like before all the fame and fortune! Long live the KING!

Speaking of swiggin beer. We were in crisis mode. We could only find one bar that was selling carry-out beer and it seemed that our little secret leaked to the entire festival as the once short line morphed into a scene from a girl's bathroom line at a Jimmy Buffet concert. But if there's one thing I've learned in my life - you can always count on true friends to perfom miracles! God love ya Dr. Drunk Ash!!

As the sun began to set on this sensational day, I began reflecting on all the fun and wacky things and people I saw....
A CHICK MAGNET...

POPCORN:

MANY INVENTIVE USES FOR STROLLERS....
The munchie/munchkin mover:

The "2 in 1"double stacker stroller:

And my personal favorite, the "Whoop Ass" beer and cigarette carriage (check out her t-shirt logo and the top tier of this stroller!):

A LONG-LEGGED JUGGLING JESTER:

EARS OF CORN:

GREAT FRIENDS! (Oh snap - is that Leslie the other "London Loiterer?" Why yes!! Yes it is!! Sweet - she's another Valparaisan raisin!)

AND MORE POPCORN:

Amy: Unfortunately we were unable to find popcorn pencil erasers or bikinis made of popcorn. I, too, was disappointed, but we spoke with the girl who sold t-shirts and made clear our interests in seeing more diverse popcorn souvenirs next year. I think she was talking to someone from her sorority on her cell phone, so I wasn't sure if she was nodding in agreement with us or her friend on the phone. We actually discussed "representin" in a booth next year! We figured with beer coozies and a few unconventional popcorn concepts, we could at least pay for our airfare and hotel to attend again next year! Who's in??
On a side note Amy - did Leah give you your t-shirts yet?

Did she tell you the bag of popcorn I gave her to give you was found on the ground somewhere? Because, uhhh, that's a lie...it wasn't. I mean, not that I remember, anyway. It was from my heart. ; )

The band played their final song, the booths closed up, our cooler ran dry, and all that was left was a bunch of poooped popcorn partiers and a few kernels of corn.....

Must be time to go home. Good times girls! Good times!! I can only hope that my work schedule will cooperate to make it to next year's Annual Valparaiso Popcorn Festival!!
Speaking of non-cooperative work schedules....My visit to Indiana was cut extremely short due to an ever-changing JLO/Marc Anthony schedule. Dammmmmmmmit. This one last picture from the Popcorn Fest speaks the motto of my life:

Well, at least I made it back to my Mom's house and was able to squeeze a quick dinner in at my favorite Lebanon Mexican joint (well, the only real Lebanon Mexican joint, I guess) with some of my other fabulous Indiana friends before I had to split town! Yeah LHS girls - we finally remembered to take a picture so you could make it into my riveting, hack attempt at a blog!

Ali-that margarita is as big as your head!!! Go girl, Go!!!

More good times girls, more good times! Let me just take a moment and say that I have the best friends on the face of this planet!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't wait to see all of you again!

Well, that's it for this blog update gang! I'm out!

2007-09-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

LABOR DAY WEEKEND CAMPING IN NORTHERN ARIZONA
After 6 weeks with Barbra Streisand, only 24 hours at home, 12 shows in 2 weeks with Tim McGraw and Faith Hill – I was absolutely KNACKERED! So I returned to Arizona to relax and immediately started melting in the 108+ temperatures, which really made me mad. So I concocted a very intricate detailed scheme for some of my days off: GET OUT OF THE HEAT!
That was the plan. I didn’t care if I had to sit in someone’s refrigerator for a week, I was going to make coolness happen.
Well who better to consult about “coolness” then the epitome of coolness himself. The hipster of happening, the guy of grooviness:
My brother Kameron.
So here's the plan: My big bro Kameron, and his girlfriend Kimberly (who decided with me that Kam and her can’t ever break up because we like each other way more than either of us like him! Ha) and our trip mascot: The always lively, always playful TY

were going to hit the road to the high country of northeast Arizona for a camping trip!!

We planned to hit the road early - around 7a.m. Saturday morning- which would give us almost 3 full days away from hell on earth - summertime in Phoenix. (But it's a dry heat.)

At 10 a.m. the next morning,we pulled out of the Jack in the Box drive thru with greasy breakfast sandwiches to settle our stomachs from the "planning session" the night before, we could hardly contain our excitement (or in Kam's case - his gas) to start "roughin it" in the beauty and more importantly, the COOL of the Arizona mountains.
After 4 hours of driving, 6 stops to pee, and a few minor skirmishes about my driving (men are just completely incapable of being silent passengers, aren't they? GEESH!) we
still weren't there! A wrong turn added another hour (yah! Who's the ass now Mr. Navigator? hahaha) but took us through a couple of very quaint towns (which we promised to return to) and then finally to Lake Lyman - our feature destination, which boasted "beach-front camping," bathrooms with showers, open camp fires, and beautiful scenery.

Wow. That's odd. I thought the website said beautiful scenery. Looks like a couple of furry hills to me.
And I could have sworn they said "beach-front" camping. Now, don't get me wrong, we certainly didn't expect the Sandals Resort in Jamaica....but this?!?!?! Brown, murky water with unidentifiable things growing and floating about??

Oh well. We were tired of driving, I was in desperate need of a frothy beverage, and Ty was getting antsy,

so we decided to set up camp and make the best of it.

Will you look at those crashing waves coming in?!! So relaxing...the sweet lull of beach-front camping.

And look! They even have Hooter's waitresses that will deliver beer directly to your campsite! Maybe this place isn't so bad after all!

Uh Oh. What's that I see on the horizon? Not one....but TWO storm fronts!

Oh for shit's sake - here comes the damn rain again! It's like I have some sort of tracking device that reports my location directly to Mother Nature so that she can in turn piss all over me!! BUT! By some miracle, the two fronts on either side of our campsite passed right over and left us in the clear. Whew! Close one.
But never fear, just when we were getting into some great "campfire singing" (i.e., drunken off-key karaoke to the Ipod accompanied by a wicked set of air drums and air guitar), the huge drops began to fall. We scrambled to get everything put away and the three of us and our mascot huddled into one tent to so that we could make group decisions about our safety and decide on an evacuation plan should it become necessary. Okay, hehe, not really. We just relocated the party inside the tent and laughed til we cried as the sides of the tent bellowed and tried to beat us to death all the while the radio broadcast severe weather warnings. Geeez.....what a bunch of idiots!
Well, apparently we made it through the night because I awoke with a beaming headache and the screaming sun...

uuhhh, I mean a screaming headache and the beaming sun in my eyes with complete mush brain and little clue as to where I was or what happened. Wow, that must have been one hell of a storm!

So I had spent the previous afternoon sweating just setting up my tent...and the next morning sweating taking down my tent...hmm..somehow, I strongly suspected my original goal of "cool" had not been reached. In fact, I think we over shot it by 60 miles. Time to pack up and head back to where we got lost the day before - perhaps one of those quaint towns we passed earlier - how about PINE KNOB?? Sounds good! But not before Kam has a chance to dazzle us with his "Top Chef" skills (in his dazzling top chef bald-head-sun-protecting-$7-camp-store-bought hat! ha).

Kameron battled flies, heat and crackhead camping neighbors (a whole other story with a lot less teeth) just to provide us with a nutritional breakfast - instant coffee, greasy bacon and sausage, and eggs with cheese (plus a few other outdoor mystery additives...crunch...).

After waiting in an hour-long line for the luxurious "spa-like" experience of showering while standing ankle deep in the last preson's water, and an hour drive back the way we came before, we decided we had earned the reward of real burger, cooked in a real restaurant in much more sanitary conditions then we had attempted thus far. Once we arrived, we found a bloody mary bar, a horse-shoe pit, and some of our family ancestry!

We met so many interesting characters!!! A real-life 6'7" Paul Bunyan with one leg,

a biker dude who told us tales of his tallywacker being tattooed with tweetiebird in prison (thankfully, I can not validate the truthfulness to this story),

and a dude who hid John Gotti's son in the bowling alley he worked at after he had performed his first "hit" for the mob.....

Listen! I don't make this shit up! Trust me - the truth is much more hilarious and interesting. Finally, after a 12 year old kid came in with a snake (which Kimberly and I reluctantly held thanks to liquid courage) we decided that it had gotten weird enough and we needed to find a place to make camp. And for the first time, Ty was REALLY antsy - you can tell by how his eyes are actually open for the first time after snoozing for 8 hours under our table. He just looks so disturbed and uncomfortable - like he might be ready to bite someone in a vicious mouth-foaming rage, doesn't he?

Finally! After a moon-lit camp build - we had achieved our goal! A fireside campsite so cool we needed sweatshirts and blankets! YES!!!!!!!! The sweet smell of success!!!!!!!! (Or was that Kam's gas again?)

The next morning, after another hearty, healthy breakfast - all hell broke loose. Our original "rule book" for the weekend (some scribbled writing on a crumbled up piece of paper which we taped to the interior light as a constant reminder) had gone to hell and a hand basket. The "no cell phones, no whining, no primping, no fighting...etc., etc." rules were out the window. BUSTED!!!!!!!!!

And we were all just as guilty - I snuck a call back to my house to find out there was a football party in progress I wanted to get to, Kam and I started to get at each other's throat (anyone who knows us knows that we were never meant to spend more than a day or two together! hahahahaha). Even TY had that whiney "longing for his own couch" look in his eyes.

It was time to put our Gold Medal of Finding Cool behind us and hit the road!!!!! So we packed up! Why, who is this super hero springing to action??!

It's my superbro! Kameron "If you can't tie a knot, tie a lot" Hampton! ha

As we rushed out to beat the traffic, we found ourselves immediately at a steady crawl behind a Pilgrim's Pride Chicken truck for 2 hours. Now, I'm not one to judge, but after two hours, that pilgrim started to creep me out with his sneering smirk! What a weirdo!!

Needing a break from that pilgrim's sadistic stare, we spotted a little western town off to the side of the road where we stretched our legs, met a few more wacky friends,

and Ty tried to pose as a "Wild Woman." Man, I don't know about our mascot - I think he's battling some internal demons. He just always looks so unhappy, so unfriendly...maybe we should seek some counseling for the poor pooch.

Or maybe! Just maybe....he needs a lady friend.....

Enter: CORONA - the black cockerspaniel we met at our last rest stop for a bite, break, and a beer 45 minutes from home.
Now I'm not sure if it was the lure of a cold tile floor at his own house, or the sexy, sleek, shimmery black coat of Miss Corona, but I've never seen Ty quite so perky!

OPERATION: COOL/CORONA - COMPLETE!!!!!!
Next stop on the road: The Annual Valpraiso, Indiana Popcorn Festival with my gang of merry revelers from all over the U.S.!

2007-08-11T02:27:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way - I lost my ball of momentum. I am just now getting around to finishing my last post of the Barbra Streisand tour and the tour has been over for nearly three weeks now. But to my defense, I was only home for 12 hours before I got the phone call to be sent back out for two weeks to fill in for someone who left the Tim McGraw & Faith Hill tour. And now, ironically enough, I have returned to the UK to do three more shows for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. So while I've been remiss in completing the blog, I haven't exactly been sitting on my arse.
So here goes...
Look kids! It's Big Ben! Again!??

And The Parliament! Wait?! Didn't we just go through this with the Chili Peppers a few months ago? Yes, we did. But that joke never gets old to me and neither do the Vacation movies with Chevy Chase so you'll have to just skim over it! haha

Picadilly Circus! I've always heard about it, and never seen it until now - although, I'm not really sure why its called a circus since there's a distinct lack of circus-like things, i.e., animals, clowns, cotton candy, animal poop smell, etc. - well, unless you take into consideration the freakish people, insane traffic with obnoxious horn-honking and dirty pigeons shitting everywhere - I guess one could refer to that as a "circus".

Royal Arab families swimming in their own wealth, living in our hotel, taking great pleasure in gloating about their endless supply of money and the garish things they spend it on (even the wives who had to wear the full Muslim burka had their black gowns all pimped out in black sequence)....

That's right kids - We must be in the one and only: LONDON, ENGLAND! Land of $9 Starbucks Coffee, $20 greasy fish & chip dishes til you puke, and the general lack of rubbish bins (I'll explain this one later!) The final countdown to the flight home. 10 days to see if I can survive the brutal exchange rate and living expense just to break even on my paycheck.
So when you spend the previous 4 and 1/2 weeks of working, traveling, and partying yourself to the edge of existence, how can you possibly go on for another 10 days? CALL IN REINFORCEMENTS!

My dear friends Alicia and Leslie finagled their way from Indiana to London to hang out with me for a few of my many days at the Royal Garden Hotel on Kensington High.
On the day the girls arrived, I unfortunately, was down to my last pair of clean underwear, so a visit to the neighborhood laundromat was mandatory. But never to worry, there is always a neighborhood pub to pass the time waiting for clothes to dry.

Enter Jerry: Owner (and head Flirt) of the Churchill Arms Pub, two blocks from the laundromat. Ole Jerr took an instant liking to Leslie and tried to charm her by "dumping" a fake glass of Guinness on her, telling jokes, and scooping up empty pints off the table with a cane. I heard from some other friends who stopped by the pub later that Jerry kept asking about Leslie for hours, even days after our visit....I think she broke his frisky little heart. (He was quite the ladie's man, so I think he'll bounce right back in the game in no time).

With a few beers under our belts and the girls being jet lagged, I told them to be careful about looking for traffic coming from the opposite direction. I showed them the funny directions painted on the street.

And then proceeded to lead us directly into the path of a double decker bus. I'll tell you what, I'm going to leave the health and safety of the group up to Leslie - she's the Mom. Alicia and I are just going to stick to what we know best....

Now that's a worthy charitable cause! A mini-delivery truck with three wheels bringing beer to thirsty lushes all over the city in 20 minutes! After hours! Even if the bar throws you out, the party never has to end! (Aha! So that's how my European colleagues are able to drink me under the table - they've been training for the drunk olympics during hours AND after hours! hmmm...)

The next day we were off to see what we could see! After walking through a couple of "circuses" and an over-crowded toy store, we suddenly realized we had neglected the 500 meter rule! Say it ain't so! So we went to a place called the Marlborough Head. It has been rumored to be haunted. Creeeeeeeeepy.

The disappearing bathroom doors make it difficult for someone with the bladder of a 4 year old (like myself) to locate them during a beer session. The only way I could find the right door was to check the faded markings on the floor. This place was like the Adams Family house!

Well, when you start adhering to the 500 meter rule, your day goes into a rapid downward spiral. Doing anything productive seems out of the question. So we PROMISED ourselves that tomorrow (on their third day of being in London) we would actually get around to some sightseeing of the main London landmarks.
And we did! We got up early, put our horse-blinders on so as not to be distracted by any pubs along the way (until later in the afternoon, of course), and hussled to do some "hyper-sight-seeing." Like Chevy Chase in Vacation...."The Grand Canyon....great, let's go!"
Look kids! Big Ben! (tipping over?? Nope - just an optical illusion.) Great let's go!

The Parliament - snap a badly aimed self-portrait - great! Let's go!

The West Minster Abby - 20pounds to get in?!?!?!? ha! Snap a pic, let's go!

The London Eye - world's largest ferris wheel....with the world's largest line to ride it - nope! Snap a pic - Let's go!

The Tower Bridge - cool - walk across it - great let's go!

Man, we are just knocking these out one after another!! We tried to go through the London tower where the queen's jewels were stored and many past kings resided, but decided it was too late in the day since they were almost closing. So instead, you guessed it - snap a pic - let's go!
On a side note, I would like to explain the lack of rubbish bins comment from earlier. It's at about this point in the day that we have each been carrying an empty soda can for about 2 hours. We have been walking around as responsible, earth-respecting, non-littering adults with these stupid cans in tow because there is no place to dispose of them -and Leslie is such a sweet, true Mom! After I griped about it for about 20 minutes, she carried Alicia's and my can for us, just like the children that we are! And after all that, I think we finally just left them on the step of a building somewhere. So I would like to now add to my previous list (posted on the trip to London with the Peppers) of things that would make me a millionaire in England. Not only air-conditioner specialist and dentist, but now trash can manufacturer! (And laundromat owner - since those seem to be just as rare! But that's a whole other story).
Anyway, on our way back across the tower bridge (to find a pub we spotted earlier) we realized the interesting juxtaposition in the London skyline. On one side of the Thames River you have a castle that's been housing people since the 10th century...

and on the other side you have some of the most futuristic looking architecture in the world. Bizarre!

On our way through a plaza, we spotted a bunch of tribute guitars - in honor of famous British musicians. I thought I was cool when I found Ozzy's guitar....but wait! Then I found LED ZEPPELIN. My favorite band of all time! ROCK ON!!!!!!

Finally, we rewarded ourselves with our sight-seeing job well done with a beer. At a pub called "Hung, Drawn, and Quartered." So you're telling me people used to hang out in the town center just to see people hang?! And be quartered?!?!? (Not sure what drawn is, but I'm guessing it's not sitting on a milk crate on a sidewalk somewhere so that some guy who stinks and speaks an unidentifiable language can sketch you into a cartoon, right?) Anyway, people think our society is messed up now, but that's some crazy violent shit they used to do back then!

This noose was hanging right over the bar...I guess to deter from rowdy pub behavior or non-tippers!?

And since the rest of our Purdue/Illinois friends couldn't make it, Alicia brought along a picture of them so that they could have a beer with us in London! (We're so weird! But funny! Man, are we funny!)

Speaking of funny, I thought this quote on the wall was hilarious.....

And you know my fascination with toilets would catch up with me eventually...check out the old-fashioned pull chain!

The next night was our 2nd of 3 shows at the new O2 arena - another wacky-architecture-alien-like building.

Both Leslie and Alicia would never admit it openly, but between you and me, they are die-hard Barbra Streisand fanatics. I mean karaoke-singing, album carrying, founding members of her fan club. Well, I have to respect such devoted enthusiasm so I just had to get them into the show somehow.
Okay, really, they just wanted to see if any famous people were there. Since I had seen Jackie Collins, Donna Karan, and Brian Adams at the Wednesday night show, we knew there would be more at the Sunday show...and we were right! We spotted Dan Akroyd, John Lithgow, Nicholas Cage, and then, when we were walking backstage during the intermission -we almost walked smack into Peirce Brosnin. Holy canoli is he a hot man!!!!!!! After we were done giggling and drooling all over ourselves, the rest of the show was a blur. And speaking of blur, that night was also our end of tour party! These are usually just an excuse to get rip-roaringly drunk on the rich ass artist's dime. That being said, usually people who don't drink much (the socially inept orchestra folk) proceed to get arse-over-tit wankered (to use some fun british slang). Which, of course, always leads to good photo-ops...

Oh snaps! Who are these crazy fools?

Awwww......poor Jerry made a sad face when I told him my fun girls had to leave the next morning to go back to Indiana.

And off they went.

Now judging by the bluriness of this picture from the night before, and by the way I felt at noon when I woke up - these girls performed nothing short of a miracle by getting up and getting to the airport at the butt crack of dawn.
All of a sudden, at 4:30 p.m., there is a knock at my hotel door. A very distraught and disheveled Alicia is standing before me. She waited at the airport all day in hopes of making it on her stand-by ticket like Leslie did, but all the flights were overbooked. So, I told her not to worry, and off we went for dinner and then to meet up with some of my guys at a Cuban restaurant for mojitos! I couldn't let Alicia escape before performing her rendition of the 50 year old lady on Saturday night live..."I can kick! I can stretch! And I'm 50!!! And I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it..."

The next day she tried to catch a flight again. A few hours later....knock knock. So I said, don't worry babe! Tomorrow will work for sure! (Doubtful, but I was trying to stay positive). And off we went to, where else, a Japanese restaurant.

The next day, another try....then: knock knock sniffle knock. Now we are starting to get into panic mode. I only have one more day left and if I have to leave the country and leave her all by herself in England with nowhere to go - I'm going to be sick to my stomach. Maybe we can just buy a one-way ticket for her......$1000.00 Ouch. I don't think so. Guess we'll have to just wait it out and hope for the best.
The next day - again - no luck. Holy crap!
London callin...(collect this time).

Poor Alicia was running out of patience and moolah...the train to and from the aiport was costing her over $60/day! Not to mention our evenings out to "calm our nerves" while trying to mastermind a back-up plan for which there was no back-up.
Finally on Thursday, the same day I leave and four days after she was supposed to have left, she made it on a plane! WWWHHHEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! Disaster averted.
Well, I know that the girls will never forget this trip - if not for the fun we had, for Alicia's brush with abandonment in a foreign country!
I will now wrap up the BABS tour blog with one final wacky something. The urinals in the men's bathroom at the end of tour party. Don't ask what I was doing in there - just laugh at the pictures with me.

Now how in the hell am I supposed to comment on that? Wow. I guess I'll just leave that to your filthy mind. haha

Anyway - thanks for tuning into another wild and wacky tour. Who would have ever thought that working for Barbra Streisand would have been that much fun. I guess our all-out race for inebriation helped ease the pain of the rain on our parade. Get it? That's one of her songs. And it's painful. And it rained on us a lot. hahahaha Funny, I tell you. A real gut-busting knee-slapper.

Well - I won't have any storytelling to do for a few weeks as I sold my camera to Darin before I left and I'm only in the UK for a blink with the Peppers. But, coming up next.......the Diva Tour round 2! Guess who? Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. Oh the stories I'll tell..........

2007-08-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

The Motherland…Round II.

After a four hour delay at the Manchester airport, our spirits were dampened by the fact that we wouldn’t get into Dubin until much later in the evening. Therefore, our mouths were dampened by spirits with the many airport beers we had while waiting. Heehee
Probably a blessing in disguise that we didn’t get in until late, since we had to work the next day………IN THE MUD AGAIN.

Geez Louise!!!!!! I am so sick of this shit! This rain is relentless! One of the stagehands put it eloquently….”It only rained twice this year in Ireland. Once for three months and once for four months.” No wonder it’s so damn green.

The next day at work, as we tried to build the video walls while simultaneously covering them in plastic in the downpouring rain, my “rain-resistant” jacket stopped resisting and water was running off my head into my eyes and down my nose, my second pair of socks were already wet and my pants were so wet and heavy I had to wrestle with gravity just to keep them up. I almost lost it. Well, I did lose it. I have a vague memory of standing in the middle of the stage, looking up to the sky and screaming at the top of my lungs, “JUST 10 MINUTES!!! 10 F$#@!ING MINUTES! PLEASE! DAMMIT! JUST STOP FOR 10 MINUTES!” When I came to and my frozen breath cleared, several of my crew guys were standing around me just shaking their heads and laughing at me. But I’ll be damned, IT STOPPED. For about 4 minutes.
Anyway. This time we were playing at a huge castle (they call it that, but it looks more like an insane asylum or an orphanage).

Apparently it was owned by the Guinness family and once most of the heirs had passed, they turned it over to the Irish government. Oh, yeah, and they have NEVER had a concert on the grounds before. So let me get this straight, we’re just going to keep frolicking around Europe and playing these castles in the middle of cow fields that aren’t set up for our sort of production, much less accomodating 20,000 people to park and pee? In the mud? Sweet.

About half-way through that first day, my luck started to turn around. Mike, chivalrous man that he is, gave me his baseball cap out of pity. Or maybe just so I would shut up and quit bellyaching. But at least now the rain was running off my head 4 inches from my face. Then, I turned around to see Jean Claude, the French chef who does all of the patisserie work for the caterers, walking towards me with a steaming cup of gourment hot chocolate made from scratch. He said (with a cigarette hanging from his mouth), “Zees is for dee girlz only – it ees much too cold and wet for zee ladies.” Then, Kathleen, the production coordinator pulled me aside and whisked me away into the castle, (where you had to put on these obnoxious shoe “booties” – red shower cap like covers over your shoes to keep from tracking mud into the castle) and led me to a secret room, looked over both shoulders, opened the door slowly, and motioned for me to go in. When I crossed the threshold, my mouth dropped. There before me sat at least 20 pairs of WELLIES! GALOSHES! Like the ones Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins almost took a nosedive over. In all different sizes and colors!
EUREKA! PAY DIRT! It’s like the difference between off-roading with a moped versus a Hummer. All of a sudden, I’m invincible! With a little modification (I had to buy some granny slippers to slide in the boot for some support and because they were a bit too big – I know, I know, too big for my canoe feet?!) I was a whole new person.

The caterers, of course, found their own way to deal with the onslaught of rain and mud.
Very cute ladies!

After the show, (in my new boots) I just succumbed to the fact that load out was going to suck and I tried to keep my chin up about it. It’s a good thing, too. If I didn’t keep my chin up, I surely would have drown. Evident in this picture of Matt, Jerry, and I - post load-out. Hey Kam – remember how you always say, must be nice to live like a rock star? Yeah, that’s it alright. Caviar, champagne, and exquisite accomodations. Hahahaha

As an act of mercy, I think, we had a day off in Dublin following our sludge-fest. Ironically enough, the only real sight-seeing in Dublin is the Guinness factory. Now why would you waste your time in a factory when the only sight-seeing you need to do is from the bottom of an empty Guinness glass? That being said, Deron, Jo, and Marcus took me to a pub famed to have the best pulled pint of Guinness in all of Dublin.

Considering I’ve had very few Guinness beers in my life, I think they were right – because I slurped down 3 of them at McDaids - a proper Irish pub.

But a girl can only drink so many of these before she has to start chewing to get them down, so to what did my wondering eyes appear? A COORS LIGHT?! I was called a wanker numpty knob for drinking such a crap American beer while in Ireland – but I didn’t care! I was reunited (and it feels so good) with my favorite beer!!

As the night progressed, it seems that the majority of our crew ended up in one place and it sort of molded into a tour crew party! Good thing all we had to do was fly the next day because good ole One-Eye Jerry came out. And not many of us were in much better shape!

Hillary is looking lovely in the leprechaun hat which was passed around to everyone at the bar - but I'll spare you all of the messy photos...

J.T., our usually serious security guy, walked around all night with this dumb look (and hat) on his face - he was most definitely enjoying the Guinness!

So I guess in retrospect, I still love Ireland – despite the lack of sleep, rain and mud (and loss of shoes and socks to said mud).
I will conclude this update with another random photo/story. As most of you know, I seem to be a flystrip for wacky strange people on the street or in bars. Well this tour has been no exception. However, on this tour, I seem to have a knack for meeting “little people.” (Yes, Kam, that means midgets). This guy was a pole dancer in a club in Berlin (and I used the term dancer very loosely here). We named him “Pirate Midget”. As I was talking to someone, I felt a tap on the shoulder and when I spun around (and looked down) he was standing there with a smug grin and asked me if I liked what I saw when he was on stage (he must have seen me taking pictures of him). I’m not sure what he was asking or how I was supposed to answer that, so I just said “Hell yeah!!”

Then, I went to an ATM machine in Dublin and this little guy was singing traditional Irish drinking songs on the street for donations. I was fascinated. He had the body of a 12 year old, yet the voice of a 50 year old man. I had to know how old he was. He told me 27, right before he pulled me into the middle of the street and proceeded to serenade me with “Molly Malone” at the top of his lungs in front of a major shopping plaza. That certainly didn’t invite stares from the passerbys.

Finally, a few days after we left Dublin we were going through pictures to have a laugh and this picture shows up. Not one person present that night remembers this guy, or who he was or why he was hanging out with us. I can only chalk it up to my animal magnetism of the “little man.”

So long Dublin…..so long my home away from home!
Next up – last stop for the BABS tour. London. A visit from some dear friends from the states, Big Ben, and airport horror stories. Talk to you soon!

2007-07-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

LIVERPOOL-MANCHESTER-DUBLIN-MANCHESTER
So this update is going to jump around rather quickly because I jump around (and talk) rather quickly. After Stockholm, we flew into Liverpool for yet more days off (there were no hotels available in Manchester so they put us out in Beatlesville). The priority of the night was finding food and drink and then getting to bed early because I had a suspicious feeling (which was later confirmed) that the next few days might be rough. Apparently this is the only building in Liverpool I deemed cool enough to photograph. Although looking back through my collection, its the only picture I took in Liverpool at all, so I guess it made it into this update by default.

The next morning Matt and I took a car from Liverpool to Manchester airport, where the cabbie casually told us he had to drop us in a parking lot far from the airport and we had to walk in past several police barricades because of all the bomb scares in the UK. Nice world we live in, eh? We then flew to the motherland........Ireland. Endless pints of beer and funny drunk people everywhere....I'm pretty sure I lived here in a former life or that I have some ancestry here.

Oh! I forgot to tell you why I flew to Ireland. Ha. In our brilliant (pea-sized) minds, we had concocted a scheme to make some extra money on this tour. Our company was doing a video wall for two different festivals with a band called "The Killers." So we said, hey, it will save the company some money if we do these festivals since they didn't have to fly a new crew all the way overseas - and we can demand they pay us extra for this favor! haha (Joke is on them - this will be a piece of cake for lots of $$) So our crew was divided between Scottland (Tea In The Park Festival) and Ireland (Oxygen Festival) and me and Matt were picked to go to Ireland. So we arrive at a dodgy hotel in the middle of nowhere at 8 p.m. At midnight a car service picks us up to drive us into this huge festival just as the last band (Muse) was finishing up so we could do an overnight load in and be ready by the time the first band started playing at noon. Umm, noone mentioned this when we made these plans. Yikes. What have I got myself into.
Matt and I huddled in a tent to stay out of the pouring rain and cold (it was about 40 degrees) until 5:30 in the morning - when we finally were allowed to get our video gear off the truck. In the meantime, we are hopping around fields of pure mud trying to find a port-a-let or some food with very little success....

Here is the sunrise and us loading in the video wall around 6a.m. Notice there is no one else there to help us. No stage hands - they just up and quit after working for 20 hours straight).

Not even one of the 150,000 drunk rowdy kids from the show the night before to heckle us. No, these brave (stupid??) kids stay in camping tents in a field next to the stages for three days with no place to shower or change out of their muddy clothes! Now, I've always thought I was a pretty spontaneous, fun person - but I'm going to sound like my mother now....You have to be out of your damn mind to pay over 100 Euros to camp in the freezing rain, stand in the mud all day (pretty sure some of the kids never moved from the front few rows, meaning they must have had a "built-in porta-potty" in their pants) and be deafened by music for three days straight. Completely insane!

We finally completed our load in at 3:30 in the afternoon, grabbed some food for the first time in 18 hours, and consequently just missed our driver - our last chance to return to the hotel for a shower and nap before the load out- so we were in it for the long haul. Since there wasn't really anywhere for us to go - except back to the tent with the muddy couch (everything was muddy at this point - no escaping the brown drudge!) I mostly sat on the side of the stage and watched the bands throughout the day while yawning with one eye open. At one point, I saw a couple standing on the side of the stage in front of me sharing a Guiness and a cigarette: Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins!!! Although I am a fan of them both (who doesn't love Thelma & Louise and The Shawshank Redemption?!), I was really admiring their "wellies" (galoshes) with great envy. I wondered if I had the energy and agility to knock them over, steal their boots (and maybe the rest of that Guiness) , and get away before security could get me.....Spending the next 12 hours without wet, muddy feet would sure have been worth it!
The Killers show went well - no problems with the wall and it was quite entertaining to see all the drunk, muddy, crazy kids going off. But by this time (24 hours into our work day) - the concert looked like this to me:

We were back to the "Dodgy Inn" after load out by about 3:30 a.m. - enough time to power wash the mud off, get a quick nap, and head to the airport at 9a.m. to get to Manchester to load in. Remember when I said, " Jokes on them?" HA. FREAKIN. HA. No amount of money will EVER tempt me to go through that misery again. Matt and I were saying, "I've never been so happy to get back to the Barbra Streisand tour!" Now that, my friends, is f#!@* up!!!

MANCHESTER
We landed around 11 a.m. and took a cab straight to the venue where our coworkers were already loading in. We were greeted by the Manchester United Police Force.
Oh, wait a damn minute. That's Jo and Jo in catering dressed up - complete with wigs, handcuffs and hamburger buns for shoulder pads?????? I'm telling you - these caterers are nuttier than squirrels with a fruitcake!

The next day was the show day. And I feel like I've let some of the Barbra fans (all two of you) down with no show pictures. So today - in an effort to stay awake during the mind-numbingly dull sound check - I brought my camera.
This is me with my video camera. It's called a 70X long glass. That's right, I can magnify whatever I shoot up to 70 times. We're talking blackheads and nose hairs people. Now let me explain something...When you use that magnification to its fullest extent, every little vibration within a 5 foot radius makes your picture shake. You can even see my heartbeat when I hold the handles. Now - knowing that, and knowing me and how fond I have become of the many beers of the world, and knowing that I have been known to have massively shakey hangovers, which I try to counteract by drinking loads of coffee - do you really think I'm the best choice for this particular camera?

Having said that, I came up with a great analogy of my job on this tour. Do you remember the movie "G.I. Jane" with Demi Moore - where she tries to become a Navy Seal? Remember how they keep all the candidates awake for 3 days in the cold and rain and then suddenly take them to a warm, dark room and play classical music and tell them they have to stay awake no matter what? That's kinda how I feel. Sleep deprived, sitting in the dark arena that is about 85 degrees due to lack of air conditioning and a massive amount of body heat, and I can't move one muscle or my camera shot looks like there is a 7.0 earthquake going on. Add that with Barbra's collection of lullabies and my lids are definitely hangin......zzzzzzzzz
ANYWAY - MOVING ON. Here is one of the video screens I work on.

Here's what Barbra looks like through my viewfinder.

Here's Barbra talking to the conductor in her fabulous calf-length haughty white diva coat.

Here's Barbra leaning on her chair struggling to read the teleprompter.

Here's Barbra sitting in her chair - I'm amazed she still has her shoes on at this point.

Here's Barbra desperately thinking of something to complain about.

Here is a full shot of the stage with Barbra and our beloved "orchestra." I've spent many hours calculating the trajectory and how many co-conspirators it would take to douse the entire stage with spitballs.

So! There you go Mom. Some pictures of old Babs for ya!

We returned to the hotel that night following the show and loading out, and low and behold, the hotel bar was still open for us! There is a God!!! I see the caterers sitting in the corner and join them and realize they are sitting with the Goo Goo Dolls. Not the crew for the Goo Goo Dolls, the Goo Goo Dolls themselves. Woah! They were staying in our hotel and apparently Jo spent a few years working for them and befriended the band (big surprise there - the girl could befriend a deaf, blind mute in a coma). So after a few drinks, the band left and we made plans to see their show the next night at the Manchester Apollo.

We had such a good time that night! We sat at the front of house sound mix booth and had a great view, some road cases to sit on, a steady flow of beer, and the band even talked Jo into coming on stage and doing a surprise guitar change for one of the guys for a laugh. Still reeling from the show, we stopped in for "just one more" beer at a bar down the street. But, as all good things must come to an end, so did our night....right after Patrick puked on the stairs of the bar and Steve...well, he wasn't really thrown out as much as he was asked to leave. Immediately. hahaha These youngins can't handle their drink!
Oh well, we have another travel day ahead and the mud bath part II coming up as we return to the motherland for the second time in 3 days. Surely it won't rain on us again, will it?!?!?
OH WAIT! ONE MORE THING......I FORGOT TO ADD MY RANDOM PICTURE FOR THIS UPDATE.

Now I love Toblerone, too, but this seems borderline absurd to me because, to be honest, I don't remember seeing a child anywhere near this lady or her stroller.
So long for now!

2007-07-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN

Our plane touched down in Stockholm, and we were greeted with great news. "Barbra is sick. (Come on - I'm not that mean! That's not the great news!) The Stockholm show is canceled." So we now have 5 days off to see what kind of trouble we can stir up...and you know how well we stir...
We had heard about an amazing ice bar down the street from our hotel - The Royal Viking (how primitive and barbaric does that sound?). So we were off to find it.

Everything...EVERYTHING in this place is made of ice. The walls, the seats, the bar, the shelves, even the glasses, and after working for three hours in there, the bartender, too, I think! Luckily they gave us those big heavy ponchos and gloves otherwise it would have been nearly unbearable. One of the girls was wearing flip-flops (not me for once) and I had to keep loaning her my shoes to thaw her toes.

It was really an amazing place. But, they only allow you to stay in for about 30 minutes - and thank god - the drinks were like 150 Swedish Kronnors each (I really don't know how much that is, but let's just say it was a large chunk of what I got out of the ATM). Also, I was freezing my ass off and you know how I hate the cold. After years of saying to people, "Geez, it's so cold I'm cuttin ice over here," it was finally true. heehee

After defrosting and getting the feeling back in my buttcheeks from sitting on ice for 30 minutes, we wondered into the old town and found a few pubs to bounce between before settling into one that had a band, who played for 5 more minutes and stopped. The bartender said the upstairs bar was closing - I said, what do you mean, what time is it? 11:30 p.m. and it was still daylight outside. Trippy. So we went downstairs to another cave-like bar and got our sweaty dance on!!!

The next morning we got up and decided it would be another boat day. There were so many choices - a long ride? Short ride? Castle? Viking Island? A VIKING island????????? Now you KNOW we have to see a viking island - so off we went.
The scenery and houses along the way were stunning! We passed hundreds of little islands varying in size - some were so small they only held one house!

We also heard a great folklore story about a king that was chased to the top of this island by viking pirates and in order to save his own life, he had to jump into the ocean and swim to another island for safety. The only thing that remained was his hat, which is supposedly on the top of this pole, and to this day it is called Hat Island. (Okay, so the story actually sounded a lot more interesting than that when I heard it - so do me a favor - just add your own embellishments until you say, "Wow, that was a reeeeally interesting story)

An hour and a half later, we arrived to the island of Burka.
And my arms were seriously exhausted from rowing!

It's quite a secluded island, and not really what I expected. You're totally on your own for 3-4 hours before the boat comes back for you (oh shit, did I just ruin the part where you really thought I paddled our asses all the way to the island?)
The boat captain made a stern warning not to miss the 6:30p.m. pick up or else we would be left there over night...which started conjuring up images of Lord Of The Flies and sparked a good conversation about who we would eat first if we had to turn to cannibalism to survive.

Wait! We could eat the sheep first!!! Whew! We found these guys all over the side of a big hill we were climbing to get to the big Celtic looking cross on top. I'm going to just skip right over the obvious sheep jokes, but we did think that one of the animals had taken a liking to Steve - so we told him to go for it! We wouldn't tell! heehee

We finally made it to the top (although we were huffin and puffin - none of us keeled over).
And the view from the top - breathtaking! (Not just because I'm out of shape, overweight, and haven't found a way to quit smoking yet - it really was breathtaking!)

Time for another random photo:
I don't really know what to say about it. Patrick is one eccentric fella. But he makes me laugh a lot, and that's all that matters.

After we made our way down the hill, said hello to the sheep again, we went looking for the viking village. Follow the smell of campfire and listen for the clinking of swords and you're on the right track.

This village is filled with people reenacting life during the viking period. Some were cooking over the firepit, some woodworking and carving with chisels, another was making viking replica jewelry with the same type of metals and leather.
It was quite fascinating. We sat and talked with the jewelry maker for some time, and he actually lives on the island. He was tied up in the rat race for many years and decided he was going to drop out and live a simplified life like they did many years ago. Incidentally, Jo and I would like to clarify something for those of you in our group that continue to ridicule and mock us : At first glance, when the man was sitting down behind a table, we kept saying how he was really handsome (in a viking sort of way). However, after carefully examining photographic evidence of said man in tight leather pants with a saggy ass and his belly hanging out while walking in sock-like booties, that he was, in fact, NOT our type. You can stop making fun of us now! (He's the guy turned away from the camera on the left in this photo).

After spending some time with the locals and buying some jewelry, we decided it was time for some grub and a beer from the small restaurant near the dock.

Not really sure if it was bravery, stupidity, or blindness, but these little shitheads kept pecking at my toes like they were french fries or something.

This was such an awesome day. Because we were dropped off on the island and couldn't leave, we were actually forced to slow down and enjoy a day outside in the sunshine! I love that!

After dinner at a restaurant with quite a diverse menu...

...we headed off to the beer gardens on top of the city. It's a good thing we enjoyed our sunshine when we did, because it started to rain again!

The last night in Stockholm, I went back to the beer gardens and met up with some of the crew members from The Who. It turns out one of their caterers and I worked together on Korn 5 years ago. This is Sean!

We ended up at a unique place called "Garlic & Shots." A bar that serves only dishes with heavy heavy garlic and a bar with 101 different shots.

I took this picture for my pirate buddies back in AZ. ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH! Maybe we'll have a garlic pirate night when I get back and I'll cook up some smelly garlicy stuff!!!

Next up we headed to some metal rock bar where I talked to a guy who was in the Kosovo war, accidentally got left behind by my group, and got cussed at and spit on by a really drunk Scottish dude. That's got to be a sign that its time to get the hell out of Sweden!! I had a great time in Stockholm and I got to see more of this city than I ever have before....but...I'm movin on!!!!!!!
Next up, drowning in mud, endless work days, and drowning in mud part II.
See ya soon!

2007-07-13T16:23:00.001-07:00

BERLIN!
Which, after this trip, I will reterm: Bizarrelin. After another fun-filled travel day, we finally checked into the hotel and headed out! On the way to meeting some friends at an Irish pub, we passed a striking church that was bombed during WWII. The city has left it as a sort of memorial and it is quite dramatic at night with the uplights shining on it.

After the Irish pub, we decided to relocate to a place called “Koda” or something which is an underground cavern like path with 15 bars strung together. Completely bizarre – nothing like I’ve ever seen before. A huge maze of make-shift bars and horny adolescents making out everywhere - there’s no air conditioning and not really any air flowing, 1000 sweaty kids a fraction of our age, smoke, loud music and male and female stripper”ish” performers pouring shots off the front of the stage when they aren’t dancing. Geesh, how do I end up in these places?

Oh...and look at this silly girl, drooling over this muscular, beautiful, hot black man....ha! She probably thinks he's giving her a free shot because she caught his eye. Oh....that's so weird...I have a shirt just like that and she's got the same funky coloring in her hair as me...hmm...

This place was certainly not what we had expected when we asked around for a fun place to go and hang out….but that is what the journey is about! We have more laughs about the outlandish places we end up at then anything else! However, a newly 33 year old person can only take so much of this crap before the sweet lull of the hotel room beckons - the bags under my eyes are beginning to outweigh the ones I drag around!

So, the next morning on the way into work, we've been forewarned that this venue is going to suck, and it's covered in mosquitos. Low morale + malaria = Good times!
Our bus turns into a very small neighborhood street with quaint houses and gardens. At the end of this street is a red gate where a security man stands. Once he opens the gate, we proceed for a mile down a bumpy, one-way muddy road surrounded by a forest of trees, vines, swamps, and probably a few dead bodies. Very bizarre, very creepy.

Finally we emerge into what looks sorta like a venue. It’s an amphitheater surrounded in the most rickety cobblestone you can imagine - not exactly easy to roll cases around on - GOBBLESCHTOPPER! (the horribly misspelled German word for fork lift - it's just so fun to say! Gobbleschtopper!)

As we walked up a path to get to the side of the stage there was a secret, protected entrance that led down an underground cement bunker that emerges stage center.

As it turns out, this is where Hitler used to address his officers during WWII, which is why it is so hidden and so protected. More creepy, more bizarre.
We noticed some holes in the wall that had been filled in and were told these were for snipers to protect this "illustrious" leader.

And, as if on cue, then came the rain. Creepiest! Bizzarest! Places like this freak me out - you can feel the history in the air!
There are gentle reminders all over Europe of WWII and the Holocaust. Right next door to our hotel was "checkpoint charlie," where people who were allowed to cross the Berlin Wall made the dangerous trek. Of course the wall and checkpoint are no longer there, but they have memorials and pictures everywhere.

Another day of working in the rain that plagues us (more plastic, more patience), some late night repairs, then back to the hotel where I had a proper German dinner of pork knuckle and beer. Looks gross - but tasted great!

Another successful show, another sunrise load out, some laundry, and then off to the airport for more "Adventures in Mass Transit While Trying Desperately Not To Kill An Orchestra Member With Their Own Instrument..."
See ya in Stockholm....Ice bars & Vikings?!?! Ooooh! Excitment galore! haha

2007-07-12T16:23:00.002-07:00

Paris!!!!!!!! Bonjour! Comment cava??
After a late night (early morning) protesting the inevitable 33rd birthday with shots and many beers – I slept until 2 in the afternoon the next day. I have to be honest – I haven’t really felt hungover once since I’ve been here. It must be the wake up call I always get the “day after” from Jolene…..”Cheerio! Allo Love! How are you? I’ve been up for 4 hours researching our plans for today – so get in the shower and get your arse to the lobby right quick!” (What is the genetic make-up of these UK freaks over here that allows them to go and go and go – no time for sleep?? I’m 33 now for god’s sake!!)

So we hopped into a taxi, I tried to speak French to the driver to tell him where we wanted to meet up with our "ami" Charlie, and after a shake of the head and a “tsk tsk” in disgust, we sped off. Hey man, I have to keep trying, because when I actually get a phrase right, its like hitting a straight flush in Vegas! “Un bier s’il vous plait et ou est la toilette? Hey! Hey guys!! I asked for a beer and directions to the toilet and they told me! Woooooo!!! It works!!” However, they usually answer me in French, to which I have to reply, "Huh?" because they speak too fast for me to understand the reply to my clever little French question.

After putting the 500 meter rule into practice again – we stopped several times along the way to the Seine River where we planned to get out on the water somehow – even if it meant floating on our backs! I will just never get over the architecture in the cities – it looks fake – like you’re walking through a village in Disneyworld or something!

Incidentally, we were talking about where we all live, and when I asked Patrick, (baldy in this picture) he said, “A little town in Indiana, you’ve probably never heard of it – Zionsville!” About 10 minutes from where I grew up! Weird - I traveled over 5,000 miles with someone to find out we grew up 5 miles apart, albeit 11 years later - damn youngins.

As it turns out, the boat tours are totally the way to go if you only have one day to sight see in Paris. You can bring beer on board, and you see all the highlights of the city in about an hour and a half. Paris is definitely one of my favorite cities (but then again I say that about every city I guess). I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves!

Not to bore you with one more picture of the damn Eiffel Tower, but I just noticed this one......do you think that art imitates life, or life imitates art? Is it pure coincidence that the arch in the base of the tower almost exactly mirrors the arch of the remaining hair on this bald man's head? Or is it the other way around? The questions that plague me, hmmmmm.........

We finished the evening off with another Japanese sushi dinner. Here is Charlie and Derin finding us an "elite" table - in the attic where they kept two tables for what one can only assume would be the "unruly" groups.

I think the Japanese are secretly taking the world over, one unagi roll at a time! Sushi joints are all over every city and we always seem to end up there! In this picture we have elected Jo “Grass Chin” as the Japanese empress. The empress commanded us to drink a load of sake, which, in addition to the 500 meter rule, prematurely ended our fun that night – thank god. A little sleep before work for once - what a concept!

Not much else noteworthy happened in Paris. Well – we did have to take a train to work one day because our runner was trapped in a traffic jam. I counted 16 stops we had to make before getting off at the Bercy Arena. About 4 stops into the trip, this guy sneaks on board with his guitar and amp and starts playing completely tasteless electric jazz for us. A couple of stops later he slips out the door (before we could even tip him for this melodious musical extravaganza!) and right onto another train heading the other direction in order to evade the train authorities. Ain't no mountain high enough and no valley low enough to keep this man from getting his music heard! Dedication.

As you can see in this picture, he’s really feeling this riff – So is one of our crew guys behind him- although I think he’s struggling to hold in his overwhelming emotional response (cackle) to the music. Heeheehee

And so to end my few days in Paris I would like to quickly tell you about two of the top ten things I thought I would never see in this lifetime: First, a chick fight at a Barbra Streisand concert. That’s right. Two broads right in front of my camera platform punching each other, and then a dude punching a chic so the other dude punched the other dude, and so on…….. It took about 10 security guards to break it up. Quite entertaining! However, I was worried this scuffle (over someone sititng in the wrong seat) might startle the several white lap dogs that some of the other audience members brought to the show. Another thing I thought I’d never see. Rich, French, white, stuck-up lap dogs sitting on the laps of the chic, affluent bitches in the audience. Les petits chiens are allowed indoors everywhere in Paris. You’ll see them in purses, on leashes, being carried, sitting at dinner tables, even in backpacks! Little drop-kick yelpers prancing around with their noses in the air like they own the joint, looking down on us insignificant human beings, dropping their little tootsie roll poop all over the city sidewalks! Ahhhhh, Paris!
A bientot!!! Next up - Berlin, Germany!

2007-07-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

On to Vienna, Austria!!!
Actually, that might sound a little too casual. Those four words imply that we simply jogged on over......not so. We began with a 9a.m. lobby call to take a bus to the airport. When we arrive to check in, we are met by the orchestra, who also has to check in. I will be acquainting you with this very eclectic group of people throughout the blog, but for now, let me paint a picture for you: 75 band geeks, most of whom have rarely traveled, and certainly have never participated in the roadie guerilla warfare style of travel (Get your shit! Everyone on a bus! Everyone off! Get your shit! Check in! Slam 3 beers in the airport bar!! Rush through security - shoes off laptops out! Get on plane! Pass out!).
So now we have a huge party of mostly socially inept musicians who think they are far superior to any of the crew guys because they blow into a horn or drag a stick across some strings, meandering through the airport, mouths agape, dragging enormous instruments (which they also believe are superior to us - "umm, I have a cello. I need a seat for my cello").
Coming from a former flight attendant - the boarding process is nothing short of a goat-roping. But finally - everyone (and everything) gets into a seat and straps in (it is now noon). An hour and a half flight, and this foundering process continues through baggage claim, customs, immigration, on to buses and finally to the hotel (two separate hotels, might I add, or my next blog would be about someone surgically removing a viola from their ass!) It is now approximately 5:00p.m.. So this is what I have to look forward to every travel day! About an 8 hour process that normally would take 3. Patience, Kim, patience!

ANYWAY - I was in Vienna with the Chili Peppers about 8 months ago but I forgot to write about it because it was one of our last stops and frankly, I was lazy and had a bad case of "lack of interest." So, I thought I would show you some pics from that visit, too because it was right before Christmas and the city was decorated beautifully!!

The Stephansdom is a massive cathedral that was started in 1147 and completed in 1511!!!!!! That is just so hard for me to believe! Our country was barely discovered, meanwhile they are busy erecting the most complex archtiecture still to date! Now I know why people come to Europe just to see all of the cathedrals - it is beyond breathtaking!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Stephen's_Cathedral,_Vienna

Incidentally, I saw this fifty-something year old lady on the street corner, and she just had such an air about her, with the grandiose way she strolled up to the corner in her little ensemble, you could tell that she knew people were looking at her with great envy...and by george, we were! You know, I just thought it would be such a shame that only people on this continent were blessed enough to witness this little number, so I've made it my mission to get this outfit seen all over the world!

This first night in Vienna, in an effort to really dive into the Austrian flavor and culture, we ate dinner at a Japanese sushi restaurant in an outdoor market area.

Now if this does not put your innards to the ultimate test, I can only think of one other thing that might - a wasabi pea eating contest. After our dinner, we gathered in Charlie's hotel room (really he just wanted to show off how much better of a room he got than us!) to have some cheese and wine, and of course, the wasabi peas (which, if you don't know, are dried peas coated in dried wasabi - a crunchy but very spicy little snack food). I'm not really sure whose idea it was or how it all started, but since I have been assigned the party picture detail, I did not have to participate - only shoot and laugh and hope one of them didn't choke! Ian was the winner with 54 in his mouth at one time and the girls tied at 32! I believe this would be what Charlie refers to as a "rim stinger" on the toiletten the next day.

Well we had to give up all of the laughter and sight-seeing to load in this mammoth show. Remember how I was telling you that I would have so much time off over here? Well each show takes 2 and in some cases 3 days to load in and once you factor in the travel day fiascos, we have only had 3 days total off since I left home (and I'm writing this on July 3rd).
The venue we played in Vienna is called the Schonbrunner Palace.

This place is unreal. There are thousands of acres of very carefully manicured lawns, flowers, and trees, a zoo, waterfountains and statues galore, cafes, museums, and more!

Apparently many many years ago, a king lived here and then died - and because there were no heirs to the throne - that was the end of monarchy. At some point (I think around WWII) the city decided to let homeless people move in for very low rent that would be controlled. And there are still some living there today - for like $50/month. We heard that they are remodelling these quarters and will begin to rent them to the general public for New York City-like prices or higher! How would you like to come home to a palace everyday??- wicked!

http://www.schoenbrunn.at/de/publicdir/

On the first load in day, Vienna recorded its highest temperature in many many years. Over 90 degrees with lots of humidity! Add the heat with trying to push road cases over rickety cobblestone, a psychotic promoter that continually made us move gear and trucks around for "fire code" and a long hike to get water or to use a restroom, and we were off to a good start on this gig. Half way through the day, I was beginning to closely resemble my arch nemesis - the pungent stinky euro-stagehand. It was hot man!
At some point, on this particular day, I realized that I forgot to pack belts for this trip. As I continued to stretch and sweat and climb around, my pants kept falling down, so I asked some co-workers for tie line.....thick black string that I make-shift into a belt. Because this string kept coming untied, I tied it into a triple knot. But not to worry - It was so damn hot, and I sweat so much, that I drank two cups of coffee, two diet cokes, and about 15 bottles of water........OVER 10 HOURS........and I still didn't have to go pee. Good thing, because the knot I had tied for my make-shift belt was impossible to get undone. In the meantime, I went to catering where I found some fabulous salads for dinner. I promptly stuck my fork in a big juicy tomato from one of these salads and not only bit the tomato, but bit the fork as well. AND CHIPPED MY FREAKIN FRONT TOOTH. So now we have a sweaty, dirty, wayward roadie, with a chipped tooth and a string belt to hold her pants up....wow, I am totally rockin the white trash hillbilly girl right now.

On day two, the heat had let up just a bit, and the breeze kicked in to make it a tolerable day. So after we were show ready, we took a walk around the grounds of the palace to see what we could see...

We also took a quick peek into Barbra's dressing room. Holy canoli! I'll bet her royal highness (heinous, hindass, whatever) wasn't bitchin about this place!

As we are strolling back to the stage, we get a call over the radio - weather update, prepare for some rain, guys! Oh joy. No worries though, we have rolls and rolls of plastic that we already had pre-cut for the gear to use just in case. The cameras had their rain coats on and we even strapped the ones outside of the front of house tent down to their platforms in case of wind. I was a girlscout, man, I am prepared for this shit!
30 minutes later, no rain.
45 minutes later, no rain.
Then we hear Babs is on her way to the stage, so we man our cameras. 1 hour later, no rain. But then I glance over to my right and what do I see?

Looks like we're gonna get wet!!! Exactly nine minutes after I took this picture, the temperature dropped about 25 degrees and about 2500 plastic chairs came flying at me as I stood on my camera platform trying desperately to re-strap my camera that I had undone to shoot the rehearsal.

The instruments attached to the stage which measure wind gusts (so we know just how much it will take to bring that big-ass stage crashing down) measured 105 mile per hour winds. I am ducking sand, rocks, dust, more chairs and miscellaneous items that are whipping through the open-aired house. It is pelting rain sideways, down, up and I am starting to panic. I have nowhere to go and I can't even really see because of all the crap in my eyes. I look up and the spot towers are swaying back and forth over my head along with a 2000 lb. video wall. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way outta there!!!!!! We ran to this outdoor walkway and hid behind large pillars for at least some protection and watched for two hours while the stage and all the equipment took a huge beating. First the shrouding around the video wall came undone.

Then the two safety ropes on the bottom corners came undone.

Then the extra safety ratchet strap came undone.

Then Jerry came undone.

We were all soaking wet, exhausted, worried about the gear, hungry (the catering tent came off the ground and knocked over most of the kitchen equipment and food) and as I ran into a this lady who looked at me and said, "Barbra will still sing, yes? I come all the way from Italy. She will still sing?" I almost kicked her teeth in.
But a few hours later......as if nothing had happened, the sky performed the most beautiful sunset, almost as an apology I think.

The decision was to postpone the show until the next night. That would give us 24 hours to dry off, lick our wounds, fix what gear we could and band-aid together a show for that Italian bitch. The next day was beautiful- not a cloud in the sky and cool. We scrambled and fixed everything we could with the video walls. We would have to wait for replacement tiles to change those that were water soaked. Our camera inside the tent (the one this girlscout DIDN'T strap down) took a dive right into the sound console. Our camera sustained one dent and a broken view finder but the sound console took lots of work!! We were finally show ready and even squeazed a sound check rehearsal in!!!!!!!

Then, wouldn't you know it, about two hours before the show - a 30 minute downpour of rain! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!?? DAMN YOU MOTHER NATURE!!!!!!!!

That night we packed up a few things and due to noise ordinance had to come back the next day to load out. As soon as we were done working the next morning (my birthday) our thoughts were, "BRING ON THE BEER." Our flight was 6 hours later that day so we had some time to kill! We sat in the beer garden at the palace and tied one on! Look how sweet my guys are - Scotty shaped his food into a birthday present for me. Men never really grow up, do they? hehehe I love it!

Another hectic flight to Paris and we finally got to the hotel around 11 p.m. I was exhausted, but I wasn't about to let 33 sneak by uncelebrated - or to let 33 think that I'm going to let it make me think I'm too old for this shit - so off to a club...until 5:30 in the morning. How do I do it, you ask? I haven't a freakin clue. I blame society. And the caterers.

Cheers! Here's to finally getting out of the shitty weather anomaly they call Vienna!
Next up.........Paris!!!!!!!!!! Where I can make an absolute fool of myself pretending that I have some grasp on their language while really, I'm a complete hack! I do make the cab drivers laugh, though!
See ya soon.

2007-06-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

So I ask myself, "Self? What's the most brutal way to heinously and inhumanely torture a rock n' roll fan....a person, perhaps, like myself?" And the answer came to me.....".Go on tour with Barbra Streisand." SWEET, I'M IN (said with uninspired ambivalence).

On June 11th I flew from Phoenix to Los Angeles then to London and ended in Zurich, Switzerland on June 12th around 4 p.m. local time to begin the Barbra “only rich people can afford to see me” Streisand tour. Other than the mole-covered head of the man in front of me being virtuallly in my lap the entire flight and the 400 pound man directly behind me doing kickboxing to the back of my seat, it was quite the enjoyable flight! Here's some of my crew guys doing airport appreciation.......

I would like to introduce you to some of the fellow video fellas I’m working with on the Streisand tour, because they are quite the cast of characters:
First of all.....my buddy..........Scotty Lutton - seen here trying to steal a car.......Scotty and I spent the last year side by side bitching at each other but also laughing our asses off at each other on Red Hot Chili Peppers! He is my best bud in all of touring I think.........I also did two tours of Metallica with him! Love him to death!!!!!!!! Oh! And this guy talks faster than I have ever dreamed of talking! Takes the heat off me for awhile!

Next up is Matt Howe. I did the Z-100 show with Matt in New York last December....And I will be doing a show in Dublin next week on Streisand tour days off for The Killers with him. This is about as normal as Matt gets........

And beside Matt in this picture is Roy Fountain. Funny enough, 11 years ago I worked 11 days at the Iowa State Fair with Roy on one of my very first professional gigs ever!!!! Roy is from Macon, Georgia and virtually every story starts like this...."So me and my Pa had a few beers and were at a goat sale the other day........." He is still as funny as he was 11 years ago....

Next up - Mike Johnson. Mike is from L.A. and has a great outlook on life! Very fun to be around - but not big on candid photos (or at least those he knows of anyway.....wait til later in the blog....hee hee hee).

And finally........Jerry McReynolds - the most non-expressive/emotion- showing person in the business to date. But he loves to drink with me and he was also my engineer for the past year on Red Hot Chili Peppers......my Peppers boys will always hold a place in my heart!
Here's a picture of Jer-Bear.....

As you can tell from these pictures, we have declared many a “production meeting” over tall frothy beverages! (You look surprised…) Don’t worry – we hopped straight on the train to Rehalp (rehab & help in the same place? Convenience is everything, no?)

ER_PHOTO_ID_508

After all of our "planning" (burp) it was time to get down to some work!!!!!!!!

In Zurich, the venue was about 6 blocks from our hotel – so we often opted to walk to rehearsals! On the way, we passed this commune/garden community (I must say I was worried that many of the guys were going to climb the fence in search of the “hippie connection” since they have been suffering through a terrible “draught” since we’ve been here…..and so edgy! They are all so edgy! Geez!) Anyway, it turns out that the Switzerland government owns these plots of lands and rents them to people living in the city on 10-year contracts so that these inner-city dwellers can have a place to go and garden. It’s very cool – on the weekends this place was packed with people sitting on the tiny shack porches, cooking out, and meticulously caring for their 20 ft. by 20 ft. grass stamp – it’s like a vacation yard!

Well finally, a few days before the show, the diva of all divas shows up, white lap dog in tow and donning a wide-rimmed hat and glasses, to rehearse. What is beyond hysterical to me is how high and fast the tension mounts as she crosses the threshold of the door. “She’s in the building, she’s here! Oh my god! Everyone to positions – Barbra is on stage” (as 100 people scamper about as if to avoid a thrashing by the Queen). As the orchestra stands and applauds her (just her mere presence requires adoration, I guess) while she takes her place stage center (where else), she is handed a microphone and strolls over to her show designer, Richard where she gives him the obligatory diva-double cheek kiss (where the cheeks barely touch and then you just kiss the air beside the ear with a subdued shreik all the while being careful not to smear any lip gloss). Then the rest of the rehearsal goes something like this……
“Papa can you hear me? Uh, Karen, the last time I was here I had some coffee and chocolate flavored candies, see if you can find some for me. Oh, and the eye drops from my dressing room, bring them to me please. Papa can you see me? Oh hi Samantha – hello baby…who’s the cutest puppy in the world – hi baby….Papa can you help me not be frightened….is that the camera out there? It’s off to the side a little, right? You know how I hate the right side of my face to be shown…..”
And so that was about the first 15 minutes. Is this for real? At this point, I am using the utmost restraint to not let out an obnoxious cackle at the stereotypical absurdity. I keep telling myself – it’s only 6 weeks. But then, on her way out, entourage and white dog at her heel, she waved to the crew (which had gathered for a meeting on the side of the stage) and thanked us all. Hmmm…….I’m confused by this random act of kindness…..Could she actually be…..dare I say it……nice?

On the 6th day in Zurich, we finally had a day off before the big show. So after doing laundry, me and Mike from my crew decided we should have another look at old town Zurich and we got back on the train to Rehalp. After wondering around and looking at the beautiful lake...

We ran into…….. “the caterers.”

I say that in quotes because they are this unbelievably spiritual entity that must be referred to as one collective group. (And by spiritual I mean high-spirited, well, really, I mean spirits – libations – drinks, man!). How does the saying go? “That which is achieved by the group is greater than the sum of the individual,” (and that goes for sight-seeing, laughter, and unfortunately, intoxication – I feel like I’m in college all over again.) These three together are dangerously entertaining.

So what started out as a casual stroll with Mike has now landed me in the “hell section” of Zurich (I can’t pronounce or spell the area- but the name actually translates to “hell”) with three of the craziest, funniest, drinkers that I have ever met. That’s right , hell: Prostitutes, drunks, and a general collection of shady lurkers. Sweet - I’m in! Let me offically introduce you to this band of merry revelers: Deron, Jolene, & Charlie.

This is Deron (a dead-ringer for Heath Ledger - he is from Australia, lives in Finland and fancies Tequila with a coffee/sugar soaked lemon......don't ask - I tried it and it almost came back up!)

Enter Charlie..........He's English and lives in London - apparently a rare breed! Charlie is quite the clown and is teaching me various Cockney quips - which I would love to enlighten you with - but I'm still tryin to get my head around it! Hilarious - but bizarre! He's promised to buy me a book about it when we get to London!

HELLO SAILOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Explanation to come!)

And finally - my long lost sister........JOLENE. Jolene is Welsh - AKA "Welshy." I have found it best when hanging out with her to keep a pen in hand and a cocktail napkin very close by, because the rate of funny shit that comes out of this girl's mouth is so fast, that it must be written down in order to finish laughing and recovering from the first statement before giving the second one its proper due.

So my first official night out with the caterers was quite the education. I learned about tequila and coffee/sugar lemons - yak. I learned about the 500 meter rule (walk no further than 500 meters without stopping for a drink).

I began to learn the many faces of Jolene (this is an ongoing project).

I learned that, even in Zurich, I think I’m a karaoke superstar……

and that other people who appear as karaoke superstars might want money for their services of hanging out with you (Juliette was really fun, right up until she uttered the words, “you pay me now!”)

Holy crap..........I had to race out of there - I keep forgettng I'm actually here to work. Holy Hangover!!!!!! Boooooh! Work getting in the way of another European vacation - dammit!
Next night was our first show! Everyone was definitely on edge! But, alas, the show went great! And I can't lie.......when Barbra hits certain notes, I get the chills! She definitely has a set of pipes on her! Hang on - keep your pants on - I'm not becoming a full-fledged fan or anything......let's just say I have respect for her talent and her ability to make me wake up with one of her damn songs stuck in my head every day. I guess she's alright. hehe

Wow.........that was quite a bit of excitement for the first week! I have a ton of other stories still to tell, but my new best mate Jolene has called and we are parched for a beer! So I must be off now...............but next update - Imperial palaces, tornados, wasabi peas, my birthday, boatrides, Hitler, and plastic surgeons! How's that for a cliff hanger???? Me and my roommate "Spidey" (who hung OUTside my window all week) below are signing off from Zurich............Much love........

2007-06-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

Okay….so I’ve taken a rather lengthy hiatus from the story telling, and I do apologize. I finished with the Red Hot Chili Peppers this past March with just a few cities I didn’t blog about…..but my god, I could put you to sleep with the lack of excitement. Really. Okay...I'll do it. A highlights reel, just for shits and giggles.
Last real leg of Peppers...January - Nashville...fell in love with "The King" all over again (although he's a real stiff these days).

February - Went to visit my aunt and uncle in their winter home in the Keys in Florida for a few days (sorry Larry, this is the only picture I have of you! I would have put Wilma and my face making contest pictures up too, but I mysteriously lost ours! ha ha)

Had a few too many of these......
(Sunsets and beer? Not a bad thing to be in excess of, really? Right?)

Saw an 80's metal rock magician??? What?!? Yes, it happened. Ask Wilma - she only had 5 rum runners - so she would definitely be the one to consult on this performance involving flash fire, colored rabbits and birds, Ozzy Osbourne, and a petting zoo after the show for the little kids frolicking about the bar....yep, if my memory serves me correctly, it happened.

NEXT UP: COLTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!! Rocking party at my house in Arizona! Not really sure if passing a bottle of Crown Royal around helped the ponies get the ring - but it certainly couldn't have hurt, right? However, it did hurt the couch that was broke in half, Amy - who got a concussion from WWF Wrestling - the 20 wine glasses that I shattered and the general debauchery and erosion of my home!

(Not sure who took this picture....but here's to seeing triple and photographing double...thanks Betty Blurry!)

Hang with me.....we're almost caught up to the current date.

A few final shows for the Chili Peppers (not really an official tour - only a few days strung together). Starting in Mexico City.
What a dump of a city. But our hotel was un-freakin-believable.

Let me just tell you the stories that were told at work about what you were supposed to do with a hammock hanging over your bathtub. Let's just say the housekeeping staff had their hands full with multiple flooded bathrooms. Now, seriously, why would you tempt a bunch of rowdy, curious, O.C.D. people with this kind of contraption and not expect some sort of unnatural disaster? Come on, really.

Well - what do you do at the end of an entire year with the same band, the same crew and the same bullshit? THROW A DAMN PARTY, what else?! Our production was nice enough to host a party at a restaurant called "Karisma" down the street from our hotel.

The only thing I really found "Karismatic" was the 4 Mexican waiters that walked around with a tray in their hands at all times holding shot glasses and a bottle of Don Julio Tequila and passively aggresively coercing shots down our throats.

However the food was fantastic! Someone kept telling me there was something stuck in my teeth - but the guys I work with are such jokers.....i'm too clever to fall for that crap!

Incidentally, after many bottles of Don Julio disappeared, this is what the rest of the night looked like:

Oh yeah....after all the drinking and hammockshowering, we still had a show to do. We were in a huge baseball (or soccer - I couldn't really tell) field that was in the middle of a Nascar race track. When I asked some of the locals if it was going to rain for our outdoor show - they said - Non non seniorita, it never rain in Mehico....sun shine all dee time...........

So after a year of working, swearing, wandering, sweating, drinking, and laughing, we gave our hugs, said our good-byes, and promised to stay in touch!! Bye - Bye Chili Pepper Pals!! I'll miss you! Best tour I've ever done!!

A rolling stone gathers no moss.............
So right after I came home from the Peppers tour - I went to Indiana to help my Mom move into her new condo. Got to see my fabulous friends from Lebanon at a fabulous cook out at Lorri's house. We road fourwheelers and my dear fabulous friends made fun of me as I tried to play with/wrangle the kids at the party on the swingset. I'm such a (un) natural! (We need pictures next time girls!!!!!!)

Then I was off to St. Simon's Georgia to see my dear friends Alicia and Brad get married!

Oh my....is that Gilligan finally making it off the island via surfboard??? Nope...just some tan, svelt, handsome man crashing the wedding (with a cool hat no less)!

I got to meet so many new people, and hang with my girls!!!

(I didn't forget you Pam.......but since you are the photog, you're never in any pictures dammit! The only one I have of us is entirely too drunk to post!)
I had an unbelievably relaxing time hanging on the beach and checking out the island. The Avenue of the Oaks and this lighthouse are really really really old. I would love to impress you with my knowledge of history, but I don't really have any and I already forgot what the signs said.

I didn't forget this sign, though, because I thought it was a really clever way to say, "Stay off my f#$!*%! grass, man!"

Congratulations DR. & MR. B-DRUNK ASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT UP: THE BARBRA STREISAND TOUR.......

2006-12-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!
The next day off in Zurich we rallied the troops and were on the road before 9a.m. (quite a feat considering we tried to drink the city dry the night before)! Our friend Joe had decided we should rent a car and take a road trip through the Alps to the Swarovski Crystal factory near Innsbruck, Austria. I wasn’t really sure what I was getting into – but hey! I’m always up for a road trip!
We ended up in a 6 person mini-van, navigating with a GPS with ¾ battery power remaining, some snacks, and a piss-poor attempt at reading road signs in German. Ja hey – Eine gute wet Ausfahrt – aaah hahahaha! Ja – dees iz good, no?
We stopped just short of the Austrian border to ummm…..well, how do I put this? – Hide a “stash” that some of the guys brought with them that we didn’t think would be a good idea to cross the border with. Wink Wink. We called it “Geohashing.”

Above is a photo of our clever diversion tactic. In case anyone asked us what we were doing we were going to say: Tai-chi- parking lot-dramatic dance-posing...orrr something.
So we marked our drop point on the GPS so that we could stop by and find our own cache on the way back. The rest of the trip there was a series of very long tunnels through the Alps that would eject you into the most beautiful scenery I’ve ever witnessed in my life – shortly before sending you into another tunnel.

Once we got through the drab tunnels, the mountains with their little villages tucked away on the side, the babbling brooks and snow-covered trees were absolutely breath-taking. I was pinching myself over and over again. This is really happening, right? We are driving through the Alps in Europe?!?!?! Holy shit!!!

Surprisingly, we found the Swarovski factory with relatively few turn-arounds! I was very proud of us!

Right when we pulled up to this place, I knew it was a great idea! There was a huge park, with a mysterious face carved into a hill and a waterfall shooting out of his mouth. Weird – but very cool! In every direction you looked, there were huge snow-capped mountains and the sun was shining brilliantly.
First, we took our ribbons given to us when we entered the park and tied them to a tree, making a wish. Apparently it is a tradition started long ago in Russia, that if you tied your wish to the branches of a tree, it would bring it closer to Heaven, and therefore God would be sure to hear it.

Next, we went through a human maze made with bushes like in that crazy Jack Nicholson movie - The Shining!
We really had to "put our heads together" to figure out how to get out.....hahaha very funny, Kim!
On the path up to the lookout tower there were very unique, beautiful plants and landscaping and I was even able to take a picture of the mountaintop with my camera through the binoculars!!

Ahhh...kids will be kids. Notice you won't see me in any of these pictures - I didn't bring my helmet!! Knowing me, I'd be the one face down in the mud with a broken ass or something!

After an hour or two of laughing and goofing off, I found out we hadn’t even started the actual tour yet!!!!!!!! This place was amazing! We entered the museum under the waterfall from the face on the hill and went into a huge underground museum of all sorts of unique designs, art, and technology using the Swarovski Crystals!! There were moving displays, projectors showing films, a huge illuminated jelly fish, an entire Christmas tree and a world globe - made entirely of crystals!

Then we went into a room that was like a dome - but it was made of triangular shaped mirrors made from crystal. The light was constantly changing colors and revealing objects behind the mirrors. No matter where you walked in the dome you could see yourself reflected an infinite amount of times. Your voice, even if it was a whisper, echoed loudly. Apparently it is some kind of acoustic wonder because they had a very famous opera singer from Austria perform inside and the video from that performance was being shown on a television outside the dome. I think this was my favorite part!

Another display I really enjoyed was a poem being scrolled around a hanging spiral like an electronic marquee....
It is easy to build
a poem in the air.
All you need
are a few well-lit words
light footed
light-fingered
light-minded words

and your breath is enough
to make them soar
and to keep them poised
transparently
hanging in the balance
floating in mid-air
hovering
between life and death

a few words
lighter than air
will do
until the lights go out
and they sink
slowly
alighting
on the dark face
of the earth
Never mind
It is easy to build

Finally...on the way out - just when I thought I couldn't be any more amazed, I went to the bathroom. (Wait...that's not the amazing part). Check out the toilet seats in the women's bathroom! FLECKS OF CRYSTAL ON THE SEATS! I was so impressed! I felt like some sort of royalty plopping my plump ass down on such a work of art!
As all good things must come to an end, we did a bit of shopping and then hit the road to begin the 3 1/2 hour journey back to Zurich.
Our car wasn't quite the lively, singing and joking group it was on the way there. It looks like the wee wittle kiddos were all tuckered out....ahhhhh.....if only I had a sharpie marker with me!

So...here's where the road trip almost went awry. About 2 hours into the trip, our GPS flashed the "Low Battery Warning." We still had an hour and a half and a lot of specific turns to make....much less locating our geocache we hid earlier in the day! Well, since I'm not really one to panic (ha) I start scribbling directions down (in German??) as fast as I can. The problem was, everytime I completed one direction, we already completed that maneuver. And then...OH! The battery completely died. Great. And we discovered (with the help of a toll booth worker, after we paid the toll, that we had to turn around and go the opposite direction - we had missed our exit. At this point, we decided to pull over and buy a map. The least we could do was get home before we had to work the next day. With a little help from the map and a gas station lady, we were back on track. The next endeavor was to remember what exit we hid our cache at. We tried one exit - no good. A second exit - that wasn't it either. SHIT! Following the brilliant advice from Chad, I turned the GPS back on hoping for one last little bit of battery juice to show us the way. As soon as it came on, I looked like an 8 year old kid playing X-Box trying to get to the screen with the exit. GOT IT!!!!!!!!! Duh - it was Umberlauhjhakjgrao- Exit 178A-14!! That's what I was said! haha
So of course -when we found it we had to do a celeberation dance! Neither rain, snow, sleet, fog, or no battery juice shall keep us from our prize! EUREEKAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
We returned the rental car, got lost in another train station (this story is all too familiar and boring now) and made our way back to the hotel!!! And how do we reward ourselves??? OF COURSE!
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This will definitely go down as one of my favorite days, EVER, in Europe. I think the smile on my face below sums it all up!
WHAT AN ADVENTURE - WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD TRIP GUYS, GOOD TRIP!!

2006-12-07T07:07:00.000-08:00

Here we go……Overseas AGAIN!?!? Round 3 in Europe-2006!
GETTING HERE
This leg started off with a 9 hour flight from Phoenix to London. How I lucked into 5 seats by myself and 2 sleeping pills is beyond me – but I woke up about 45 minutes til landing with a crusty face (from where the drool had dried) and my hair looking a lot like Rod Stewart’s. Sweet! One more little jaunt over to Hamburg, Germany and I was here. I think after my 5th jump over the pond in 8 months – I’ve figured out the proper dosage to knock myself out for the marathon flight!

PIMP MY TOUR RIDE!
I would now like to introduce you to our bus – which for the first time in a long time – ABSOLUTELY ROCKS!!!!!! We are on a new, double decker bus with leather seats, plasma TVs, fancy tile work and a cappuccino machine in our kitchen!

And FREE foot rubs after work!!! Okay, not really - but I’ve been trying to sell the idea since there’s only 4 girls and 8 guys on our bus – you know – one guy per girl foot! Oh well…I think maybe the perpetually pouty Rodriguo is perking up to the idea (NOT)!
GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!
I don’t have much to say about Hamburg, Frankfurt, or Stuttgart, Germany. I worked two days in Hamburg, day off in Frankfurt (which I slept away because of jetlag still – maybe I’m not so clever on the dosage thing – sleeping all the way over made the jetlag worse this time!) and another work day in Stuttgart. Highlights include blowing up my power converter (220 volts?? 1800 amps?? 128 zingerdingers?? Really! What the hell are they talking about!?) and having some Veinerschnitzel (Oh shoosh! You can’t spell it either!)

AHH..ITZA FUNGHI PIZZA!!!
Onto MILANO! Bellisimo!!! Not really. So far the weather has really sucked. Low clouds, fog, mist, but I will say, not as cold as I had expected. Also, I haven’t confirmed this yet, but I think the word ‘GRAFFITTI’ originated from Milan, Italy. I mean, the word sort of looks Italian, and the people here seem to have no problem spray painting obnoxious stuff on any and every surface all over this city.

Oh! And I would never, ever own a car here!! (Although I’ve really taking a liking to the Vespa scooters!!) It’s amazing where these people will park there cars – anywhere but in a proper parking lot! Sidewalks – train tracks – middle of the street…..it just doesn’t matter.
Saw a guy drive next to us for 4 blocks without ever having touched his steering wheel – he needed both hands to cuss at the guy in front of him! Funny stuff! I’ll tell ya this: All the graffitti, road rage, and parking headaches in New York City has nothing on Milan!
Anyway – more sleep, a calzoni at the trattoria down the street for lunch, pizza with funghi (mushrooms) and a few Peroni beers in the hotel bar for dinner then another work day.

INJURY UPDATE
I guess now is as good a time as any to give you the injury update. Things have been relativey calm on the First Aid side of things. A guy on our video crew had appendicitis and had to go home to have his appendix removed. Then, just the other day there was a round of food poisoning that left one video guy doubled over, another guy to the hospital
(McDonald’s – the American “Embassy” to blame). Then, the next day, one of the riggers got very sick. Assuming it was food poisoning, too, he tried to struggle through the day. Come to find out – emergency surgery – he ALSO had appendicitis. I’ve only known one person in my entire life that had appendicitis – now two on the same tour within the same few months. WEIRD. As for me – I’ve been chugging along with just a few minor bumps and bruises. Well, there was one incident while I was at the front of house focusing a camera. Have you ever seen those little dudes that cruise around about 40 mph on the riding floor clearner machines??
Well, this guy went crashing into the front of house barricade (damn Italian drivers!) and trapped my foot between the deck and the barricade. Did he hit the brakes or reverse it? Nope. So my foot was being smashed harder and harder. So I freaked out (in typical Kim fashion) and started making a scene flailing my arms about, “BACK UP! DAMMIT! BACK UP!!! OH MY GOD!!! BACK UP!!!! I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS….THE ROOM IS GETTTING DARK – PLEASE…JUST TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM!!!!” But, a lot like when the chair collapsed on me in catering, I had to embellish my limp to validate the absolutely psychotic panic scene I had just created. As it turns out, the trauma sustained was minor: A red mark on the top of my foot – and again – a bruised ego – Not to repeat myself – but this is the stupid kind of shit that happens only to me – I was nearly run over by a floor cleaning machine???????????

So far I’m pretty disappointed with myself for not ‘seizing the day’ as far as getting out and sightseeing goes. It’s just so hard to be motivated when the sun rises around 7:30-8:00 a.m. and sets around 4:30 p.m. I’m really missing the AZ sunshine! I'm out of my hotel room for sure in Zurich!!!

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND! MY FAVORITE OF FAVORITES!

I finally told myself today that I would kick my own ass if I didn’t get out and about in my favorite city! So I did. Started off with a casual stroll to find some lunch. I happened upon a bar that served food and realized I was the only woman in this restaurant. It seems it was happy hour for a lot of the neighborhood regulars – and they were all staring at me and talking about me right in front of me (well, I don’t really speak German, so they could have been just telling me about their day at work – but I doubt it.). Okay – so I took the table right in the middle of them and didn’t realize it was “their” seats in that corner. In retrospect, I might have seemed a bit rude. I was very nervous, and not but one man spoke English, but I had already ordered my food and didn’t know what to do. Well I guess they figured I was going to hold my ground and an hour later I was on my fourth beer yakking it up with them (translating thru the one English speaking guy) and another really drunk old man bought my dinner – Not bad for a rude American, eh?
As I returned to the hotel, I ran into a motley crew of my guys from the tour and they promptly spun me around in the other direction and we all headed to Old Town for the night. On the train I had a look around at our group and thought, “Wow, I’m really glad I know these guys and they have my back, because otherwise, I think they would scare the shit right outta me!” Go team black!

Old Town Zurich is amazing! I think the reason I’ve always liked this city is because before I ever came to Europe I had this idea of what it would look like over here – and Zurich is exactly how I pictured ‘Europe.’
Winding, steep, cobblestone streets, huge cathedrals,

lots of Christmas decorations,

and loads of beer.

It’s the perfect combination for drunken, sight-seeing photoshoots!

On a side note: Figuring out where the hell you are or where you are going on any train system, much less one in a foreign country, is best left to a professional....or any innocent bystander that is willing to speak to a group of sloppy, slurring Americans! Man we are lucky!

Incidentally, can anyone help me out with this sign on the train? Look closely...
No smoking the head off of the person next to you?...okay - that's a given. No poor people? Or is that no victims of pickpocketing? Because that one might have been directed at me, remembering my "incident" in Poland a few years ago. Next one...No folk singers? I can live with that. No sawing??? I can't really recall the last time I saw anyone with a hacksaw on a public transport vehicle - but, ya know, better safe than sorry, eh? And the last one - no breakdancing on the seats. Good, that trend is so passe anyway. Duh. So they weren't able to help any foreigners out by printing anything in English - but at least we got stick figures to demonstrate the hazards on the train! WHEW! Cheers to that Chad, eh?

2006-12-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ahhh….it’s good to be back in the States! The Canada run was long, cold, and the people at Starbucks are mean.

In mid-October we started our second U.S. leg in New Jersey. They decided to shoot a video for the Chili Pepper’s new song “Snow” during the concert. It was pretty crowded in the pit where I run camera from….Three of our guys and about 6 of the video film crew’s guys. I actually just saw it the other day and it is really funny – a lot of our crew’s big mugs made it into the video – but not me. Well, a lot of my camera work made it and I’m sure if you recorded it and paused it you could see a little black insignificant dot at the front of the stage in front of the lead singer – that would be me – the black dot of insignificance.
If you have a chance, check it out on MTV!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B110I0WalLo

Here’s where this part of the tour gets really good. If you ever want to make a month fly by, I highly recommend taking a 5 day vacation to Maui right in the middle of your tour!!!!!!

Some very dear friends of mine had planned to get married in Maui on October 26.
Well it just so happened that if I missed one show, I could have 5 days off in a row and make it to the wedding – so after some intense wheeling and dealing with bosses, co-workers and airlines, that’s just what I did!
I flew from Philadelphia – Dallas – Maui (11 hours).
I attended the wedding the next day and then spent the next 2 unbelievable days snorkeling,

swimming, boating

and partying with the big group of friends who also flew over for Jason and Leah’s wedding.

I then flew from Maui - Honolulu (where I saw Hulk Hogan in the airport!!) - Columbus, Ohio (8 hours) and went straight from the plane to load in the show. And it was absolutely worth every yawn and all the bags under my eyes! As my friend Evan demonstrates - the people who live on Maui definitely have it figured out!!!

On a side note - I'm not sure who this picture was taken of, but I agree - I, too, Love Maui! And I would love to display my emotion as 'well' as this girl does - but, alas, I don't have quite the nice billboard, ya know? Aloha!

I forgot to add...I made it back to the tour just in time to celebrate Halloween. As you can see, the Front Of House guys were really into it, dressing as a Swedish Bikini Team. Wow. Some days are really funny out here!

2006-12-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

Tour! Of! Misfortune!!!! Eh?
(Enter Pat Sajack and catchy Wheel of Fortune theme music)

If you are reading this blog, then I have made it out of the Canadian wilderness alive, eh? I am writing from the inside of a tour bus as we travel down a dirt gravel road at about 30 mph in the middle of the outback wilderness of Canada somewhere in the 1300+ miles from Winnipeg to Toronto. It’s been hours and hours since I have seen any civilization besides the very occasional hunting cabin. But I’ll get to that later, eh?

Wow, it’s been awhile….I've been slacking severely on the updates.
The last leg of the tour started in August in Portland, Oregon and took us to Boise, then to Denver for a day off (after stopping on the side of the road for four hours in the middle of the night when another bus broke down - misfortune #1). Once we finally arrived, I went to my dad’s house to have an awesome dinner with him and my stepmom Vicky.
The next day, after loading in for the Denver show, around 4:30 in the afternoon, the truss which holds all four led video walls snapped at one end (big misfortune #2). Because that end of the truss and two video walls were hanging by nothing more than the cables that powered them, two riggers had to go up in the ceiling, repel down, secure the end of the truss and very carefully and strategically lower the entire truss. By the time we got the entire situation under control, the opening band was already 30 minutes late going onstage. Let’s just say working non-stop from 8 a.m. to 2 a.m. with few breaks makes for some grumpy tired crew members! But fortunately, no one was hurt!
Next up we were on our way to Phoenix for another day off, but alas – it was our bus that broke down this time (misfortune #3). 120 degrees on the side of the road in the middle of the desert.…..sweet. There was some cussing of disbelief and a fanbelt change and we were finally on our way!
As long as we're stacking up the misfortune, let me go ahead and get the injury report out of the way…

Misfortune #4.) the Head carpenter’s foot was run over by a 1000 lb. road case – not to worry after a trip to the hospital with xrays, he was up and limping around on it later the next day!

Misfortune #5.) If you have a queasy stomach, skip over this next injury. One of the stagehands not paying attention (as they do) had his foot run over by a forklift. Don’t ask me how I know this, because that’s a whole other story from another tour – but forklifts weigh somwhere between 10,000-12,000 lbs. Let’s just say the foot lost that battle: It blew out his toe nails and the tips of his toes.

Misfortune #6.) Remember how I mentioned that I was going to start wearing a helmet, because my time was coming? Well it came. I was sitting peacefully in catering with a few of my co-workers when I noticed an unidentified shiny silver object. Setting it aside, I then took a big bite of my cheeseburger (with tomatoes, onions, and mayonaise) when suddenly my chair collapsed from beneath me. I landed on top of my left foot. Now, because the chair and all my weight (plus one bite of cheeseburger with tomatoes, onions, and mayonaise) was resting atop my foot, and I needed that foot in order to get my big ass up off the floor – well, you can just imagine the predicament I was in. My pride sustained some pretty serious trauma that day (just recalling the story brings back the slight limp I had to embellish immediately following the incident). I’m strapping the helmet back on because this is the kind of stupid shit that happens only to me.

Let’s move on to canada, eh? Started on the west coast in Vancouver and are aboot (Canadian for about) to pull in to Toronto…if we make it. Traveling with us has been a cold front weather system which has brought us rain, snow, and an average temperature of 40 degrees for 7 days straight now….did I mention this leg started in early September? Did I tell you it was snowing?

Our bus driver, Louie, who looks like Tom Petty, and quite honestly, guessing at the amount of pot Mr. Petty smokes, drives like him, too, is a great driver except for his ability to drive. In the past few months we have been thrown around the bus as Louie slams on the brakes and jerks the wheel all the way into the next city. Tonight he opted to take a 40 mile long rough dirt gravel road (with two very small and narrow, weight controlled bridges)
in the middle of nowhere traveling at an average of 30 mph, so that we could cut off 100 miles on a main highway which we could travel an average of 75-80 mph. now, I was told there was to be no math, but my common sense tells me we saved about 20 minutes time on a 25 hour bus ride. Oh! And when he got nervous about this treacherous gravel road, we stopped and asked a guy driving a tractor if we were going the right way and if he thought we could make it the rest of the way. Let’s just say it’s a little hard to relax or sleep with him behind the wheels as we roll through some of the most beautiful, but dangerous, mountainous roads in the world. Thank god for beer.

Look Kids! It's Big Ben

2006-07-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

Hello All! "LONDON CALLIN...." (sing in punk style like The Clash).
How are you all? I have to apologize for not staying in touch better on this leg of the tour - but I just haven't been that motivated. England is sucking my will and every last pound I have!! That is - the Queen's money - not LBS.!!!! HA - Couldn't get that damn lucky! No, quite the contrary....Then only thing I can afford here are chips (french fries) and Stella Artois' (which they call the "Wife-Beater's Beer"). Not exactly the vision of healthy eating. But what can one do when she hangs out with Irish Jonie whom we have discovered is as big a lush, if not more so, than me!!!

Anyway - We flew to London on June 26th- arrived on June 27th. I sat in the airport parking lot on a tour bus by myself for almost 6 hours waiting for the rest of my crew to get there -lovely sight-seeing there! I recommend the spot between two double deckerbuses which allows for a pristine view of "red" out one window - and "bright red" out the other.

Finally made our way to Ipswich for our first of 6 soccer stadium shows - all outdoors. Let me just cut right to the chase........Ipswich, Coventry, Reading, Sheffield, and Derby are much in the same: LAME. I did manage to see a few movies at the local cineplex "hotspot" in Ipswich: "Thank You For Smoking" - a hilarious satire on the smoking industry - must see!!!! and The Davinci Code - good movie but I suggest reading the book first -or just drinking a lot (like we did) so that when you're lost in the movie you can just go to the bathroom a bunch of times and someone can explain it all to you later.
Most of my hotel room views consisted of a large grass field, and maybe a cow. The remaining soccer matches in the World Cup weren't fun to watch because England was eliminated awhile ago and the English are bitter and therefore hate the Portugese (who beat them) and Italians and the French (the finalists)...hmmm now that I think of it- I'm not sure if the English really like anyone but themselves. haha They are a proud country, that is for sure.

Which brings us to Manchester. Three and a half days off! Good for partying - bad for the bank account. The first night I ended up staying up until 4 in the morning (do I think I'm still in college or what??).....and then woke up the next day with the cold that has made it's way to everyone on the tour. But did that stop me? No, just slowed me down. I never really made it out of the hotel except for Starbucks and food across the street. And my friends did manage to drag me to another room party down the hall where I inflicted further damage to myself. In three days I saw about two city blocks of Manchester and that was it. Oh - and I saw Piratesof the Carribbean 2. Very cool!

Now we are in London. Day off yesterday. Although still a bit sick, I forced myself to go out and sight see. Had lunch at "Prince Albert's Pub," which is kinda funny if you know what a Prince Albert is.......(go ahead, google it, you know you want to.) We then took the metro to the Westminster stop-and when we came out of the underground station: - "Look kids! It's Big Ben! And the Parliament!" (say in your best Chevy Chase voice). We crossed the Thames River, saw the big ferris wheel, saw the MI5 building (the British versionof CIA/FBI/Blah Blah Blah) - think James Bond). Oh- look over there, "It's Big Ben and the parliament behind the ferris wheel!"
Stopped at a bar for "refueling" and then continued on to Buckingham Palace where we arrived just in time to taunt the guards for the Changing of the Guard.

Talk about a shitty gig. First they line up and have to be inspected by the lead Q-tip....I saw him closely inspecting the weapons and even brushing lint off one of the other Q-tip's pants. Then, they perform their 10 yard walk and swap. Then they just have to stand there, for hours and hours, with assholes taunting and staring at them in the hot sun. Where do I sign up for this prestigious position?
"Oh look kids- through the trees over there - it's Big Ben! And the parliament!" (yes, we ran that joke into the ground and then some).
After the palace, we walked through the Wellington Arch and made an all-out sprint for the nearest pub (mostly so I could "relieve"myself from the happy hour we attended earlier). A nice dinner and off to bed since it was a school night.
Good thing, too. Earl's Court sounds much much fancier and proper than it is. What a dump this place is. It's a huge old convention center with multiple stairways (information that would have been helpful the first day when I took the wrong one and got lost in the bowels of the building for 30 minutes before I was rescued!)
One cool thing though, in one of the halls they are running a show called, "Bodies, The Exhibition." If you ever have a chance to see either of the two that are making their way around the world - DO IT. It is unbelievable. They are real human bodies that have been preserved using the process of polymer preservation (rubber cement). They are all displayed differently, i.e, some you see all of the organs inside, others have just the muscles....anyway it's crazy! And so unbelievably fascinating! Check out the link!!!
http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/bodies.html

I am now on show 4 of 4 at Earl's Court. This is the life....casually stroll into work around 2 p.m., shoot the show at 8 p.m., then sit backstage drinking free beer and dancing in the VIP tent until traffic clears enough to get back to the hotel. Sweeeeet. Last night's Don't You Know Who I Think I Am VIP (very important poser) list included Kate Moss and Juliette Lewis.
Oh! And how could I forget: The man - the master - Jimmy Page. Fortunately I didn't actually see him so I didn't have a chance to look like a drooling idiot like the last time I stumbled into him while on the Korn tour.
And another late addition: Patty Smith walked out on stage last night and did a partial number with the band...Now, I know she is a legend and has a wonderful voice - but...she scared me. She creepily walked out on stage and just when I thought she was going cast a spell or turn someone into a frog -she broke out into this (seemingly) drug-induced wailing. But it was good. I'm sure the 14 year olds loved it?? They were like, "Patty who?"

All the shows have been good, but nothing really funny or crazy to report. Our monitor engineer was fired, which isn't really a big deal since they are now on monitor engineer #12. It's quite the hot seat!

As for the "Injuries Update" - Our drum tech that replaced the one who ate shit off the back of the stage had to leave and so Chad the drummer brought out one of his friends to tech the drum kit. He made it through one whole show before blowing his knee out. (What is the freakin deal??) So the first replacement drum tech had to basically turn around and come right back to replace the replaced replacement. Also, our LED wall guy Rodriguo sprained his ankle.
As for me: I scraped a knuckle...and I have one dot of blood that stained my pants to prove it! I'm still wearing the helmet just in case though.
Well, I'm sure I have sufficiently bored you at this point (that is, if you're still reading....I'm sure I lost Andrea back at hello - her attention span can't handle these long paragraps!! ha)
Wednesday I will be back in the good ole U.S. of A where Circle K's are plentiful, McDonald's burgers are made with the over-processed greasy slabs of mystery meat I have come to expect, and I won't have whiplash from trying to figure out which side the damn cars are coming from!
I will leave you with this:

Things I have learned while visiting England:

1. London is just a much quainter version of New York....except the buildings aren't as tall and somehow it sounds like a compliment when, in the proper British accent, someone tells you to "Piss (or insert other 4-letter word here) Off!"

2. Air conditioning guys and dentists could make a killing in this country. (To borrow a phrase from my friend Chad, "I'm not sure whether to smile back at him or try and kick a field goal!") (Joe smiles back, Chad doesn't know what to do)

3. It's best for morale if everywhere you go you don't scoff at the clerk behind the counter! i.e., "A Starbucks coffee costs three pounds?!!?!?! That's 6 U.S. dollars! The minibar bill? 76 pounds?!?!?!- that's $150 U.S. dollars, Laundry cost me 25 pounds!!?!? That's $50 U.S. dollars etc.,etc." It just makes it hurt that much worse everytime you open your wallet, ya know? Just live the, "It looks fake, like monopoly money" lie, and you won't know the difference, and more importantly, the British won't think you're such a "chincey wankah!"

4. If you want to perfect your imitation of the English accent, just take a bite of scorching hot mashed potatoes and start talking....that's what it sounds like to me. Oh and the English reeeeeaaalllly like it when you try to imitate their accent - especially when you do it poorly. "What a stupid twat!" (Face of contempt demonstrated here by our British security guy Steve).

5. The "Look Left" and "Look Right" signs painted on the ground at every cross-walk can be quite useful. I mean the English are clearly admitting that they drive on the wrong damn side of the road here! On a side-note: It's best to consult these signs before stepping off the sidewalk....I have come dangerously close to meeting my demise via a double-decker bus, motorcycle,taxi, and a Vespa scooter (although I think I could have taken the scooter).
SEE YOU ALL SOON!! CHEERIO FROM THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS TOUR! (picture taken from a bus stop advertisement for the new album).